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a bad start to a new year



2020 was an bit better than 2019.  Had minor depressed periods but nothing I couldn't handle.  Christmas wasn't too bad. I did learn that whatever I tell daughter 1, she runs to tell daughter 2. 

A couple of weeks before I mentioned that her sister would have some nerve to come considering that I hadn't heard from her since Christmas  2019.  Christmas 2020, I asked if daughter 1 if daughter 2  was going to show up. That began the "you said she couldn't come". Nope that was not what I said' i said i didn't think she would come because of the disrespect she showed me last year. Daughter 1 called daughter 2 (from here on referred to as d1 & d2). d2 came. never spoke to me I take that back; d1 & d2 were talking about d2's job & in the prior conversation with d1 before Christmas I said it was terrible that d2 was working stocking produce when she had a bachelors degree in psych. (there is nothing wrong with working in a store & this girl put herself thru 2 years at a community college and 2 years at a university working in a produce store).  d2 made a snide remark about having a job in which she can use her degree. A week later d1 calls and says they are coming over to go thru d2's clothes she left here 2 years ago. I might be disappointed in d2's behavior &  attitude but I'm not going to let someone go thru another's personal stuff & told d1 she needed to talk to d2. d2 gets on the phone & says they will be at my house on tuesday.  I had appointments on tuesday and wednesday so they could not come. d1 said they would come the following week & told her to call about it closer to that week.  I have not heard from d1 since before new  years day.  

Like I said 2020 wasn't too bad. Given the crap with the daughters, 2021 didn't start off to bad. Had my brother's family over on Jan 8th and even invited the younger brother that hasn't spoken to me since our mother died in 2015. He is what my therapist called a functioning alcoholic. he asked if he could bring his beer (sure I said though I think I did shock him as I hate the smell of beer ever since I worked a theme park near a well known brewery & would get nausea every midnight when I left the park. the smell of cooking hops is not a pleasant one,) then shock number 2 was when i said ok when he asked if he could bring his friend which I already knew he had started seeing not a month after his 2nd wife died. he texted me the day before  saying he couldn't make it.  We did have a nice time, gave everyone a  choice of traditional Christmas dinner or meatball subs; went with the subs and nephew's wife brought chips and dip & my brother brought his goulash, i provided the meatballs, sub rolls & mother's mac & cheese along with desserts. I sent the leftovers home with them.

I realize something that day, my nephew is the only one who ever hugs me. Every time I see him, he always hugs when he leaves. I'm starting to tear up because I know that I matter to one person in my family

2021 started out good. I still can't find a job And I definitely need one. my savings have hit the bottom of the barrel.  I'm hoping I don't run out of heating oil. the thermostat is set for 62 and I'm hoping that there is no snow or extremely low temps. Plus the RA has been flaring extremely bad to the point where I am having to use the cane & take motrin thru out the day.

this morning I noticed a wet spot by the bathroom door. Poor kitty, I blamed her the wet spot.  I put down a towel to soak up the wetness & noticed that the towel was alot wetter than if she peed there. so I check the closet where the water heater is and found more water on the floor there. So now no hot water, no money to replace the water heater & rejections for all the jobs I apply for.  I can't even get a job cleaning because I don't have experience. 

So here's hoping that the rest of 2021 goes better. If not, I may take a long walk.

One thing I like about having the blog. I can vent and no one in the family can access it as when I was writing in a notebook. And everyone here knows and understands how I feel and doesn't make a big deal out of it by saying 'get over it...stop being so dramatic!

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I know around here there are government programs that help with paying for the heat bills.  Maybe there is something like that where you are at.

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