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same ol, different day


allalone6

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I feel like im just living this cycle of getting thru each day watching time go by. my life is pretty much half over and ive accomplished nothing, im not happy, im just putting on a smile. I know for a fact my parents hearts are broken because they arent grandparents, i know my dads heart is broken because he never got to walk his little girl down the isle.
 
My heart is broken because im not going to be able to be a mom.  All I wanted in life was to be a mom. I started back up on dating sites back in spring, and majority of the men my age, have kids and dont want more. 
 
 
You know what stings, when you run into someone you havent seen in 15-20 years and they are like "oh! you are still single?" I feel like its a punch in the gut, a sad reminder that im just someone that no one wants. That ive done nothing with my life.
 
Every birthday candle ive blown out for the past 20 years, every night when I talk to god, Every wish ive made...was to find someone who would love me and start a family with me. part of me knows that its just not gods plan for me, but i sadly cant stop hoping.
 
 
Im afraid to grow old alone. I probably have a good 15 maybe 20 years left with my parents and then thats it, Im alone. holidays, birthdays, everything. When I start to age, I am going to be one of those people who show up on the news "woman found in home, dead for 6 months" Seriously though, I wouldnt want to end up in a nursing home (nor could i afford it), and with no kids, nieces or nephews, I can just see myself trying to fend for myself in my old age, fall, and not be able to get back up and not a sole would know.
 
 
I dont even know what I can do to make the next 40 years not feel so lonely. I volunteer, give back, join charities, and i still feel empty. With covid and quarantine, I got a sneak peak of what my life will be like if i continue down this path of solitude 
 
im so tired of having dinner every night sitting alone at my kitchen table. I thought at this point I would hear the chatter of kids in my house, id have toys sprung around, my days schedule would be packed with kids activities and school. and all it is, is i get up to a quiet house, make coffee, take a shower, go to work, come home to an empty house, eat alone at my table and then veg on the couch til bed. 
 
I know I was a horrid teen with an attitude and gave my mom hell for a few years (my hormones and depression controlled me) and maybe a life of solitude is punishment? I dont know how it all works, and why some people get to be moms and others dont, maybe i wouldnt be a good mom, maybe my poor kid/kids would have mental health problems cause they are hereditary. Maybe god is protecting me cause i cant have kids or maybe I would of had a child with a fatal disease.
 
 
All i know is through out my teens and 20's i held on by a thread by telling myself that life would work out and by 30 everything would be fine, 30 came, i had a mental breakdown and was committed, I spent the rest of my 30s trying to hold it together and convince my mom (for her sanity) that im happy. Here I am at 40 and wondering if i can even recoup  my life.
 

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