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Why

Depressedgurl007

Entry posted by Depressedgurl007 ·

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Why do I always end up back to this same old spot. This ridiculous voices that keep saying I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm so stupid. I don't want to live. I want to die. I hate everything. What's the point. There is no point. Why can't I just die. Life is so stupid. Is it because I stopped making effort to be grateful? Cos of my stress at work? 

I hate being so lost and irritated and angry and depressed. I can't do anything. I can't do house chores, I can't work. I just freeze and stare into space with all these voices in my head. I want to quit my job but I feel horrible if I do that cos my boss is someone who knew me before I got the job and he took me in with expectations that I can work hard for the company. I didn't tell him about my depression of course. Who would. I'm just so tired of all this. My marriage is again going down the drain. If I quit this job, how bad would it look on my resume since I'm not even 5 months into the job. And its really very very recent that I remember how clearly I hated myself for being jobless and searching for a job made me hit my lowest point too. But looks like it doesn't matter if I'm jobless or have a job. Both ways my depression will still hit me. 

I'm just so very disappointed in myself. I'm so useless. I want to die. And yet I still have to force myself to get up and clean the kitchen. Why am I always asking the same old questions. Why am I struggling so hard? I hate myself, I hate how my mind keeps telling me I don't want to keep going on anymore, I don't want to, cos I don't see any point in it. 

My first daughter is exactly 15 months old today. I feel like a horrible mother that I can't even tell myself to work up the energy and motivation to be a good mother and work hard for my daughter's health and happiness. Hah. Ahahah. Hahahahahaha. I haven't put this on DF yet but maybe I should just be truthful to whoever actually have been following me and my horrible marriage for the past few years.. I doubt anyone does sigh.  My daughter is adopted. We have been trying to conceive for 7 years with no results, so we decided to go for adoption and somehow we managed to avoid being detected for the terrible marriage we have and the mental health issues I face. They did detect it, but we manage to lie through them somehow. And I feel absolutely horrible because I am not suitable at all to raise a child. I can't handle the stress and pressure of work, of husband, of mother in law plus a child on top of that. Some other couple should have gotten her and that couple could have raised her in a much better environment that I can ever give her. Some people would hate me for taking her as my child when I know I cannot raise her. 

Do I feel better for putting this out there? Maybe I guess. I'm just gonna end up forcing myself and dragging my feet again. Gonna talk to my counselor tomorrow. I've never thought these sessions help me. But what can I do but keep trying. This too shall pass, but I still hate riding this storm. I hate myself but I can't do anything about it except continue swimming in this sea of depression. 

I still have this phrase pinned up. Is it true? Is it not? But it's pinned up anyway: Happiness is a choice. I am the only one who can make me happy. I am as happy as I choose to be.

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samadhiSheol

I am so sorry you are going through crap like that, DG. I just came across your blog so this is a couple of weeks “late”..

You wrote this:

Happiness is a choice. I am the only one who can make me happy. I am as happy as I choose to be.

I don’t believe choosing happiness is a choice like “should I wear the blue one or the red one”. I believe it’s more like a paradigm shift we make and the choice making lies in the fact of living our lives so we can let happiness in.

I am the last person one would think would say that, but there you go..haha.

Now, you are not the first or last mom to feel the way you feel. I am not undermining you pain, neither am I belittling your other issues.  But you can be a brilliant mom DESPITE the hardships you are going through. Depression or any other illness for that matter isn’t an automatic “unworthiness” dispenser even if your mind thinks so.

If you still feel this way(I am writing this two weeks or so after you posted this blog) I would like you to take a breath and think of what you have accomplished.

You have a daughter. It really doesn’t matter where she came from. She is your family now. In my books (in anyone’s books) that is amazing. You have no reason to feel guilty about your circumstances. The fact that you do feel guilty speaks volumes as to the person you truly are. You love her. Depression cannot stand in the way. 
 

I’ll finish this by saying something someone just said to me. You are strong and you can pull through, @Depressedgurl007. I have seen your strength and so have a lot of people on df. 
 

You can do it. You can deal with depression AND care for your daughter. Perhaps somewhere along the road there is room for happiness too.
 

 

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Depressedgurl007

Thank u for your wise words of encouragement. Some days I can feel myself sitting on the fence and one side is this darkness and negative words while the other side is positive feelings that are hiding behind trees. It’s so much easier to fall to the side of negativity and let them lose in my head. I realise I can be very aware of where I am and what I can let myself fall to. When shit happens and hell breaks lose, I have this person in me who will keep telling me to focus on what I can control. But it still feels like I have to force myself to choose to do those things that I really do not but it makes me a better person if I do it. Like talking to my MIL to sort things out when I feel like ******* her. But feelings are a different matter, cos the feeling of how horrible n useless our efforts are will still be lingering there and it will push its way out through all the tears. 

You are probably right that it’s a paradigm shift but how do we live our lives to let happiness in..? I probably am already living that way but the happiness still takes a lot of digging out. 

Thanks so much for your encouragement. Again I can choose to let your words sink in and put it on repeat in my head. Or let my negativity take over instead. That’s the choice I mean I guess. I think I’ll choose to put your words close to my heart. Thank u @samadhiSheol

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