Most of my session today was about identity. I'm struggling to find where I fit in under the ace-spectrum. As part of my therapy, she is helping me find my term(s), although labels aren't necessarily important, I would like to find mine.
I know I'm ace. I figured that out a few years ago, when I really started to question why I didn't like sex, why I never wanted sex, why it grossed me out. I found the term "asexual." It's tough being married and learning you're ace. It's also hard to find my identity when I'm married and can't exactly go out and explore. I know I'm bi, but I've never been with a woman. My therapist asked if maybe gender mattered in terms to sex. I don't know. I don't think it matters. I'm attracted to people, not sex. Honestly, the parts are attractive, but what we do with them are not. That's how I feel right now. I know that in the beginning of relationships, I was attracted to the person and wanted the romantic attraction. I had sex, though it wasn't a necessity for me. Over time, in my relationships, that feeling fades. So I thought maybe I was fraysexual. Today, we decided to add frayromantic, and I think that fits more. Right now, I like to say I'm gray-ace, because it's an umbrella term. There are so many terms, it's overwhelming. Every time I start looking at them all, it gets frustrating. My therapist is helping me work through the list, crossing terms off that don't fit, and finding terms that we can explore more.
I also have to start finding something I like about myself every other day. This is hard, because I've hated myself my entire life. And before every session, she asks me what my feeling word is, meaning how am I feeling today. That's hard too. I've always been that person that says "I'm fine" or I"m ok." I've never said to someone how I really feel. Do people really want to hear you say "Actually, thanks for asking. I'm having a bad day. I feel like shit. I hate myself. I want to die." No. Not really. So it's difficult for me to find words to describe how I'm feeling and actually voice them. Sitting here, I think, "I'm good today." But am I? I don't feel super negative about myself. I don't feel super depressed. I'm tired. I have a bit of a headache, but overall I'm not down and sad. But am I good? Who knew feeling words would be so hard?
And, finally, I was assertive. This is something my therapist wants me to work on. I generally back down from people, trying to avoid arguments or any kind of confrontation. I let my husband get away with leaving his shit everywhere and not helping me do dishes, etc, because he gets crabby with me and says I nag him too much (which isn't true, when I ask, maybe once a week, for him to do dishes). Well, last week he was working from home and I got home from work and he told me I would have to leave because he had a meeting. By leave, he meant I would have to go into the bedroom. When he works form home, he works in the living room. We live in an apartment, so it's open concept. We have a spare room (which has his desk, his PC, and basically a lot of shit...we call it his room, because my computer is in the dining room, which is open to the living room.) and our bedroom. I told him he needed to take his phone call into the spare room because he has a desk in there and I have no where to go. I'm not sitting on our bed for an hour, waiting for him to get done with the meeting, when he could take his meeting at his desk, in front of his PC. He wasn't happy, but he did it. I was proud of myself for putting my foot down and being assertive, even if it pissed him off.
Oh, I forgot. My homework was to tell my husband that I have depression, that I am seeing a therapist, and that I'm on medication. I did these things and he was supportive. He asked me a few questions, but he didn't judge me and he told me that I could talk to him about these things. I also told him I have social anxiety, though it's possible I might get tested for asperger's (due to some of my social hang-ups and issues with touch, and being ace, and this chameleon affect autistic women have sometimes...a friend suggested this because she has asperger's and she sees similarities between us. I think I have social anxiety, but it doesn't hurt to get tested), because social situations, meeting new people or even spending time with groups of family, freaks me out. We are going to his dad's this weekend to help him move, and some of our MIL's family will be there. He asked me if I would be ok. He has never done that before. So, it shows that he actually listened. Maybe he will finally start listening to me more. I'm hoping.