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therapy day 3

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My therapist encouraged me to journal. I literally just finished my session, and I want to unpack it a little. She asked me about how I do with conflict, we talked about fear, about having opinions and it's ok for people to disagree with me. She encouraged me to journal for me, not for others. I don't feel like I journal for others. This is a convenient place for me to do so, so this is where I write. 

My homework is to talk to my mom about depression and, possibly, my sexuality. I am afraid for her reaction. But she encouraged me to have my sister there as support. It's scary. I don't think my mom will have an issue with my depression. It's possible she might question it, she might be disappointed that I want to end my marriage. She will probably tell me that couples fight and marriage is hard but you have to communicate and work it out. I don't know if I want to work it out with him. He makes me feel trapped. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around him. I feel like such a simple name he calls me ("nag), elicits so much hurt and saddness in me. I don't know why he calls me that, when I only ask once. When I worry about his safety, ie: he got drunk and almost fell into the fire when we were camping, so I told him to be careful and he told me not to start nagging him. I wasn't. It hadn't even crossed my mind to nag him about safety or drinking. I literally just asked him to be careful around the fire. But he hurt me with that simple statement. These things happen all the time. 

Another one of my pieces of homework is to state my opinion. We talked about my husbands need for a cruise every year, and how my vacation ideas are always shot down. Another simple thing. My husband likes cruises. I like them too, but not as much as he does. I want to try doing something else. I would like to go somewhere that isn't the Caribbean for a change. Every year, we go on a cruise. Every year, we go to the Caribbean. I would like to see new places. My husband always tells me that every island we go to is a new place. To me, they are all the same. They are a tropical island. I'd like to do something that isn't hot, sandy, humid, and on the ocean. And, most likely, my cruise in October will be canceled and it's a good opportunity for me to suggest something else. My therapist wants me to bring this up. Since it's a source of conflict that I shy away from, she thinks it will be something that, essentially, the worst that can happen is my husband says no. 

We talked a little about this past weekend, where I went camping with my husband, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend. We talked about my husband's drinking. He was the only person drunk. He drank 1/2 of a 1.75L bottle of vodka, as well as several beers. In one day, he had most of a 12 pack of beer, and 1/2 of a 1.75L bottle of vodka. One. Day. Seems like a lot to me. And the rest of us were totally sober. We talked about how he made me uncomfortable around my sister's boyfriend. I just met him and he was telling me how much he liked her, and he wanted things to work with her. And my husband basically said my sister was a bitch. I didn't know what to say, he was drunk, and he was out of line. I told him that I wasn't going to say anything bad about her because she's like my best friend, and I love her. My husband basically rolled his eyes and gave me the "you know I'm right" look. It was awkward and embarrassing. 

So, my homework is to talk to my mom, and to talk to my husband about a different type of vacation, since our cruise is likely going to be canceled. Seems easy, right? 

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Telling mom about my sexuality is what saved my life.  Of course it was the hardest thing I've ever done but I wouldn't be alive right now if I never did it.  The first time I did it I was very drunk and barely remembered it.  I woke up the next day jumping up out of bed thinking oh no what have I done so the second time I told her was with the worst hangover of my life but from that day forward I began to heal and get better.

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