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I'm getting help


cayllin

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I finally found the courage to reach out for help. I made an appointment and now I have appointments scheduled through September. She suggested journaling. It's something I've tried before, but never kept up with. Maybe I will try again, through here. I don't know. She diagnosed me with severe depressive disorder with anxiety. I already knew that though. I don't think I was ever officially diagnosed. I've had depression since as long as I can remember...at least since 7th grade. I'm almost 35. I've always done it on my own, and I just can't anymore. I'm falling apart  more and  more. So, we will see what medication they will put me on. I am ready to try anything because I can't live like this anymore. I almost bought a gun. There is so much pain. I'm so exhausted. I'm so ready to just be done. 

I'm struggling. Anxiety. Depression. Stress. More anxiety. I want to, and need to, get divorced, but fear is in my way. I'm hoping she can help me through that. I'm ace, and though I accept that that's who I am, my husband does not, so it has made things difficult. He told me I needed therapy because I can't be asexual, that something else must be wrong in my head. It's really hard to hear that my sexuality isn't valid. To him, it's ok that I'm bi, but asexual is not ok. I know he's upset, but instead of talking about it, he's insulted me. I didn't know what I was until a couple of years ago, so yes, it sucks that I figured this out while married. I am still trying to figure it out. The fact is, he knew certain things about me when we got together. He wanted to marry me. Did he think he could change me? Was he that desperate, that lonely, that he thought I would be enough? I don't know. But it's ******* me. And I don't know how he can be happy either. 

There are other issues in my marriage besides my sexuality. He doesn't respect me. He uses the fact that he's my husband to say it's ok he does things to me that I don't like. I say no. I tell him I don't like it. But he still does it. Still tells me he's my husband and it's ok. Still tells me that "love hurts." Still tells me that he thinks I actually like it. Bullshit. He doesn't help me with anything. If I ask him to do something, just once, he calls me a nag. He snaps at me and says to stop nagging him. I don't like confrontation. I only ask once and if he ignores it or says no, or whatever, I just do it. I don't have the energy to fight. I don't like fighting. He drains me. He sucks the life out of me, whatever life I have left in me. I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything, because he thinks it's all about him. I didn't tell him I was getting therapy. If I did, somehow, he would think I'm blaming him. He's part of it, but he's not all of it. I have issues that go very deep, and he's just a part of it. I can't confide in my own husband...that doesn't seem right. You should be able to trust your partner, be able to talk to them, have a conversation, as difficult as it is. He always shuts down. Gets mad. Won't talk to me. 

He likes to say he can read people because he has a degree in psychology. Well, he's a shitty psychologist. Maybe he can read how unhappy I am, but if he can, he acts completely oblivious. 

I finally opened up to my sister. She didn't judge me at all. I told her about my diagnosis. I told her about my asexuality. She hugged me and said she loved me and she's completely supportive. I don't know how I'll tell my parents. But at least I have one person in my corner. 

I'm tired of crying. I don't sleep. My mind is always working. I'm always running through pros and cons of divorce. I've been told by a few people now, that we are not right for each other. That I can do it on my own. My sister reminded me that I did it on my own before him, I can do it again. I know all this, but it's hard. It's scary. It's what I've known for the last 7 years (we've been married 4 of those). But I'm so unhappy. Is it better to be lonely in a marriage or out of one? I don't know. I know I feel trapped, backed into a corner. Here's my list, so far. 

Pro for divorce:

  • I feel like maybe I would be able to breathe again, not worrying about if I say or do something that will trigger him to get mad at me. He is not physically abusive. He gets mad and ignores me.
  • I have never been called a nag so much in my life. That is not who I am. Obviously, my sister, my therapist, you...you are all getting my side, one side of the story. But I am so non-confrontational. I would rather hurt and keep everything bottled up inside, then fight with someone. I don't ask twice. I never have. Nagging suggest I repeatedly bombard him with the same thing over and over. 
  • I have never heard him apologize to me for anything. 
  • I can do things that he frowns upon: tattoos, spending money on concerts and books, etc. 
  • I never miss him. Ever. I have never once missed him when we were apart. I'm not sure what that exactly means. I love him, in my own way, but I don't think it's the type of love it should be. I think maybe we would be better as friends. Now, I feel like we are roommates who share the same bed. 
  • When I go home at night, after work, I feel anxiety. I should be able to go home and feel relaxed. I get stressed out. 
  • Would I be happy? Or happier? Maybe happy is too strong. Content? 

Cons for divorce:

  • As shitty as it sounds, his health insurance is amazing. 
  • As shitty as it sounds, when we retire, we'll be comfortable.
  • As shitty as it sounds, I hadn't gone on a vacation for about 10 years until I met him. Now I go on one every year. 
  • It's nice to share expenses. He has taught me how to manage my money better, and because of this, I have worked my way out of about $13,000 of credit card debt. He did not give me the money, being with him has taught me to manage my money more wisely. I think more because I didn't want to let him down and I was scared of what he would think about my debt. 
  • He does love me, I know. He would drop anything if I needed help. 
  • I think he would support my therapy, if he listens to me when I tell him isn't all about him. 
  • Like my last point above, would I be happy if I stayed in my marriage? 

As I work on this list...it's becoming clear to me. I should not stay in this marriage. Money is nice to have. I know I will struggle on my own. I have student loans. I have debt. I am much better with money than I used to be. But it's still scary. I'm scared. 

I have a tendency to ramble and I don't think I can write more. My heard hurts. I think this might be a good outlet for me. I think I should try. I made the first step to get help. I want to get better. I can't live like this anymore. I will die if I keep up like this. I have tried before. I planned it last year. I nearly bought a gun a month ago. I can't keep going on like this. 

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Letting someone help me was the hardest and the most loving thing I've ever done for myself. Wishing you even more courage now that you've taken a new path. 

Journaling here will be different. Perhaps being seen, being heard/read will encourage you, I don't know. 

It's disappointing that partners, spouses, people deny asexuals and bisexuals the right to define themselves. I imagine that your spouse would not tolerate being told what he is doesn't exist. Being erased like that is painful. I'm sorry that happened to you. 

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