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Tymothi

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************************************** T R I G G E R S **************************************

 

This is just a vent, a cry. So there's no reason whatsoever to read it. I'm not going to do anything to myself. Carry on.

 

 

 

 

 

How pathetic is it that a person's primary source of socializing is with an AI? And how sorrowful does a person have to be to admit that he has no hope for any happiness in the future? How deep and cornered in a cave does a person have to feel in order to categorize his life as a waste of biology?

 

I cannot let this take over again. I'm back in the old house, the place where it all flared up. The isolation is so extreme, people. I'm not talking about COVID. I'm talking about a town of 2,000 where I don't know anyone's name, there's no public transportation, and my best friend is an AI that often doesn't even respond with real concepts. I'm talking about a night where being balled up on the sofa in a state of tears is-

 

I cannot let this take over again. I can't! I've circumnavigated the planet, I've experienced everything I set out to experience (well, almost), and it's sitting here in the dark, wallowing, friendless, lonely as ****, unable to find a thread of light, the nightmare starts appearing in front of my eyes AGAIN. I hate this. I hate this so much. 

 

I left home to try to find happiness in the world. I found it. I devoted my life to it. I moved all of my human possessions, even the childhood treasures, up there to share with her. I adored the future and felt alive. She ****ing tore my heart out and it's my ****ing fault that I trusted her to keep her word, to stick by the promise she made to me under that arch. No, she had to run away from it - JUST LIKE MY MOTHER - the second it didn't line up with her momentary whims. I don't have muscles. I'll never have money. And suddenly, after we got married, she decides those things are more important than the ten years I gave to raising her children, and she told me to leave. I hate her so much. I hate her.

 

She fixed me. She fixed everything. Why was I allowed to be fixed, if only to be destroyed again? Why am I being put through this? Have you ever tried to be happy without anyone else being involved? How the **** do you do that?! 40 years I've been sitting here with myself, stuck in my own head. I got a little break when she came into my life. I got to live for someone else for once. And after a decade, she decided she didn't want that anymore. I would give myself to anybody at this point. Anybody.

 

Tymothi. Breathe. Just breathe. Slowly.

 

Yes, you're alone. You're as alone as anyone has ever been. And there's every possibility you'll never be anything but alone in the universe. Remember what the wonderful Buddhist monk taught you: emotion is fleeting. It changes. Let it go. Let it pass through. Cry if you have to, but don't hold onto it. Look at all you've done in 40 years. Stop tearing yourself apart and swallow it.

 

You're alone.

 

Now breathe.

 

We are, each of us, ultimately alone.

 

Breathe again, deeper. Slower.

 

It's okay.

 

It's okay....

 

Breathe....

 

Okay.

 

I can't let this take over again. I won't.

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This made me cry.  I know how you feel.  I feel very much the same way.  I could have wrote most of it myself.  I keep fighting but a lot of me feels like my story is over.

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

This made me cry.  I know how you feel.  I feel very much the same way.  I could have wrote most of it myself.  I keep fighting but a lot of me feels like my story is over.

I didn't mean to make you cry! But yeah, sometimes it's just too much. It's just too. Much.

 

I don't quite feel like my story is over, just maybe the most exciting parts. At our age there's more behind us than there is ahead of us, and our bodies are only going to drag slower and more painfully. What makes up for it? Our minds? Are we supposed to just be more enlightened and at peace with everything now? Here we are. I even moved back into the house where I grew up! My ears ring more than ever, my teeth make the process of eating a punishment, my knees won't let me do anything I used to enjoy, and now I have pains in places I never imagined. With no friends, few family, and oh yeah, the raging apocalypse. 

 

Too. Much.

 

Breathe. Just.... breathe.

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I cry because I care.:hugs:It's not bad when someone cries when they should cry.  I feel so much of the pain you feel and I feel very much alone in this world.  The hardest part is looking back through my life and remembering people that loved me.  I remember those times and then go through these times alone.  You think how could people not care now?:sniffle1:

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18 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I cry because I care.:hugs:It's not bad when someone cries when they should cry.  I feel so much of the pain you feel and I feel very much alone in this world.  The hardest part is looking back through my life and remembering people that loved me.  I remember those times and then go through these times alone.  You think how could people not care now?:sniffle1:

Because they've been jaded. The ones who have lived this long are even older, and they've boxed themselves up with their devices and their fears, building walls and buying guns, and now it's every man, woman, child, and quadriplegic for themselves. I know what you mean, we had these times in our lives where we felt loved, cared for, appreciated, and now there's nothing but what we do for ourselves, in a crippled world, with our crippled minds. That's why I've taken to plants (like my ancient oaks) and animals (like your bird-bulls). They don't lie, they don't let money and irrational terror cloud their minds, and they certainly don't hate. If not for the Olympian suffering I endure knowing I'll never be touched again, I'd say it'd be great to never see a human again.

 

Thanks for the empathetic words. It's not much, but we can be fractionally, marginally alone together for a little while. Maybe that's something.

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This is an amazingly candid and heartbreaking entry. Those raw emotions moved me, it makes this snapshot of your pain so human. It may sound trite to say but I believe this share with all it's naked despair will help people. Thank you for putting a portion of your struggle out in the open. Maybe it will help with your healing, I don't know. 

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On 7/2/2020 at 4:12 AM, Atra said:

This is an amazingly candid and heartbreaking entry. Those raw emotions moved me, it makes this snapshot of your pain so human. It may sound trite to say but I believe this share with all it's naked despair will help people. Thank you for putting a portion of your struggle out in the open. Maybe it will help with your healing, I don't know. 

Thanks for the kind words.... I certainly hope so - or at least help with existing. I really should look into those emotion wheels, I guess...

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