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Of Crap and Men

samadhiSheol

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My blogs are crap.

All I am doing is spewing out the malady, the emptiness and futility that are the basic elements of my very essence. Other than that there is nothing. 

Moving on..

 

I have no aspirations or dreams. I have no skill sets to put in to use. No interests to pursue. My attempts to study(they are legion and have amounted to absolutely nothing) have shown to me that I will never amount to much. I drift through life aimlessly.

I have had anger issues most of my life, I have a negative outlook on life and I don't like myself. I probably have GAD (though I take all things DSM-5 or -x or whatever with a pinch of salt).

I am over 50 and I see no change to any of this in the future. I have been called intelligent, but I beg to differ. I f I am, my "intelligence" has done sweet f uck all in improving myself or my life.

Hope, you say? "you never know what tomorrow will bring".

No I don't, but I can make an educated guess. More of the same or worse.. That is what life has taught me.

Besides, I don't even know what to hope for. I am empty in this respect too. I don't know what hope feels like. I don't really know what happinesss feels like, at least the unreserved kind.

Oh and I have been told I over-think everything. How does one "under-think"???? Or think "enough"? I could probably "under-think"  by drowning myself in alcohol, porn, social media or whatnot but that's unadvisable, isn't it? Anyhow I feel a crushing weight of guilt even on the best of days and if I do indulge, so to speak I feel like dying from remorse afterwards. Not because I feel "I have sinned", but because I was so effing WEAK to give in. More yetzer hara than Original Sin but I digress.

I beat myself a lot, you know. In my view it's all justified.

I could probably deal with all of this though, if I had a decent job (all my  jobs have been boring dead-end low-pay jobs), something that could pay my way AND be nice to do.

Because lets face it, spending 8-10 hours five or six times a week on average of your life on something that doesn't satisfy you to the least and barely covers your costs, it will eat you from within. It has done that to me once and I am on route for a second major break down.

I have all the symptoms of burnout and now with this virus bs, I feel more hopeless than ever. I thought that hopelssness was a fixed state.The absence of hope, pure and simple. I had no idea it could get even worse.

The world Post-COVID-19 will be a world of more uncertainty, probable global economic depresson and more unrest, mass unemployment and countries will fold in onto themselves in fear of more outside threats...More nationalism and despotism...

Rant.

We all know the trope "money won't solve your problems", "or money won't make you happy". Of course money can't address the emptiness and meaninglessness of life but money can go a long way to make life easier so that you have the time and (lets face it folks, we need money for decent therapy) money to pay your bills without worrying about next month.

.Not that money will make much difference if we fall into an economic depression like in the 1920'-30s...

Sorry, ranting again.

It all boils down to what one considers a life worth living.  I don't believe life has intrinsic value. That's our job to do, both on a personal or collective leve,l to give life meaning. I have failed at this too.

My life is worth living if certain conditions are met. I must point out, I am speaking of myself, I am not entiltled to make these kinds of judgments about anyone else. No one is.

But I can't understand how people survive stuff like holocausts, poverty, torture, wars, oppression. You see people, if that would happen to me, I would end my life immediately. Because life isn't worth living in conditions like that, imho.

If there is sweet f.a you can do about it, "changing what you can" doesn't help one bit. Not from where I stand anyhow. COVID-19 might be turning point for me.

Ok, this just me spewing crap, but this is how I have felt my entire life. Reading Viktor Frankl, for example(we are told to look into Frankl's "Man's search for meaning" if one is trying to figure out what the fff we are supposed to do on this sad planet) made no sense to me at all. In fact it just fortified my view I have had for a long time now.

We are emphatically not the same, us humans. We think differently, we talk differently, we react differently. Our temperments also define in part as to how we react. People DID k ill themselves in death camps or Nazi Regime of WWII. Not everyone had hope to hang on.

For some hope is an absolute not unlike the concept of god. For some, it is more of a question of critical mass. Give certain types of people enough hell in their lives, they will succumb to despair and lose the capability of hoping. 

It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job.

So yes, gratitude. I am grateful(at least I try to be) for what I have. But it doesn't change anything. I still hate my job, I am still wasting away, Becoming bitter and even more angry and hopeless about the future.

 

I just think this party is over and I haven't really enjoyed it. And perhaps I can't stand parties at all and when they get crappy enough it's exit time.

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Your emotional states, the hitherto unsuccessful treatments for mood disorder - these are obstacles. Why are you undeserving of any compassion?

"It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job."

❤️ This. You "yeah, but..." some of the negativity you were spewing.

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6 hours ago, Atra said:

Your emotional states, the hitherto unsuccessful treatments for mood disorder - these are obstacles. Why are you undeserving of any compassion?

"It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job."

❤️ This. You "yeah, but..." some of the negativity you were spewing.

My point being, the little good in my life is not enough to make a difference in my life. After all, all I have ever done is compromise in every department of my life, constant settling with whatever, whoever will have me. To the extent I haven’t a clue anymore have I in fact ever wanted anything? If I did, I haven’t a clue what. “Floating through life since the sixties”. Haha like a really bad slogan for a product..

The thing is, I show no true features of any mental health issues. It’s all borderline “maybe”. Not that I actually believe half of what we are told about mental health or lack thereall. To much of it based on dodgy chemistry and other dodgier theorization.  Even when I experienced burnout, I was still energetic and I didn’t “collapse” in the conventional sense.

The only fact concerning my mental health was in fact burn out 15 odd years ago. Even that was probably caused to a large extent by idiopathic insomnia which was only diagnosed at the time, but of course frustration, stress and exhaustion as well.

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Oh sorry @Atra I also meant point out that as to deserving compassion..as much as the next person I suppose.

I just don't feel entitled to be posting like I do on df..because I am a typical case of "first world disgruntlement".

Unlike most on df, my "problems" are small ones compared to people who have real problems, crippling them, making it hard to function at all.

I am fully functional. To the outside world I have nothing"a batch of pills and common sense" or "stiff upper lip" wouldn't sort out..

Perhaps they are justified thinking that way. Perhaps all  I am is an idle, complacent old git who harbors a grudge for no particular reason towards the rest of the world out of sheer spite.

Edited by samadhiSheol

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I appreciate the feedback! 

On 4/2/2020 at 9:55 AM, samadhiSheol said:

The thing is, I show no true features of any mental health issues.

I'd never attempt to diagnose or claim that yes, you do have a specific mental health condition. I'm skeptical of the quote above because from reading your posts here, you seem quite preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and that's definitely a true feature of a mental health condition. You Express everyday negative thinking and persistent feelings of being a failure and letting yourself or others down, that's another feature. 

On 4/2/2020 at 10:21 AM, samadhiSheol said:

Unlike most on df, my "problems" are small ones compared to people who have real problems,

Okay. Well, what if problems are problems - no matter if the next guy seems to have it worse? Pain-weighing is impossible as none of us is truly capable of obtaining empirical knowledge of anothers experience of pain or suffering (empathy is a feeling rather than a measurement). I know of your pain and suffering because you disclose it frequently and in great detail, so I have compassion and empathy for you because aspects of your pain seem so familiar to me. I have no idea if it hurts worse or more. 

In any case, should the degree of impairment determine whether we deserve or need understanding, support, treatment and compassion? Nothing is subtracted from mine or another's experience if you seek comfort or treatment.  Putting it another way, your struggle isn't somehow less valid simply because someone else's struggle seems bigger. 

When I read the words "stiff upper lip", the generations that endured wars and flight from strife and poverty pop into my mind. My parent's lived through such times, I deeply respect and admire their fortitude and I probably owe my existence their fortitude and resilience. And, there's another truth I hold and that is they were/are utterly hopeless at identifying and regulating their emotions today because the one technique they learned to manage them was to shut them down until they exploded. They passed that technique along to me by modeling it in our family. It wasn't just unhelpful for living in the world I grew up in, it was detrimental. I don't blame them (anymore), I understand they were doing the best they could with what they knew in the times they lived in. But I don't admire their coping skill. 

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On 4/2/2020 at 9:55 AM, samadhiSheol said:

Floating through life since the sixties”. Haha like a really bad slogan for a product..

Ha! I think that sounds like a great idea for the back of t-shirt, wonder what would be written on the front? 

What I've felt, what I've known never shined through in what I've shown

Ah, Metallica. 

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1 hour ago, Atra said:

I'd never attempt to diagnose or claim that yes, you do have a specific mental health condition. I'm skeptical of the quote above because from reading your posts here, you seem quite preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and that's definitely a true feature of a mental health condition. You Express everyday negative thinking and persistent feelings of being a failure and letting yourself or others down, that's another feature. 

Ah. This. Based on what though? What psychiatry/psychology says of us? Why is one thought better than another? Why is one action better than an other?

I don’t believe that any given thought or “adverse behavior” is a basis for mental health issue per se. It boils down to what society deems as “normal” and “moral”. After all, the way we define psychopathology has changed during the odd couple of hundered of years psychiatry has existed as we know it. In the past few decades even more so thanks to the questionable marriage of psychiatry and pharmaceutical enterprises.

I don’t think that self destruction is necessarily a sign psychopathology. Any given society defines it’s values, morals, ethics. I don’t believe they are universal “truths” we all sort of adhere to and those that don’t are automatically somehow challenged in the mental health department. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Atra said:

Ha! I think that sounds like a great idea for the back of t-shirt, wonder what would be written on the front? 

What I've felt, what I've known never shined through in what I've shown

Ah, Metallica. 

or

If I could have my wasted days back
 Would I use them to get back on track?

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21 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Ah. This. Based on what though? What psychiatry/psychology says of us?

Not necessarily based solely on diagnostical definitions. I have opinions about psychology but I think better to discuss those elsewhere.

I used the wording "mental health condition" to refer to emotional states and thought patterns that are causing distress and getting in the way - of a life worth living. However you define that, I think wishing for death is the opposite. 

I don't believe thoughts are inherently good or bad nor are feelings, how we act on them can cause problems. 

It seems to me that patterns of thought influence the way in which we view ourselves which in turn can affect our mood. Our mood can affect our behavior. I find it useful and revealing to examine all of these but as I'm unable to do so alone with any true objectivity, I seek partners. 

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29 minutes ago, Atra said:

Not necessarily based solely on diagnostical definitions. I have opinions about psychology but I think better to discuss those elsewhere.

I used the wording "mental health condition" to refer to emotional states and thought patterns that are causing distress and getting in the way - of a life worth living. However you define that, I think wishing for death is the opposite. 

I don't believe thoughts are inherently good or bad nor are feelings, how we act on them can cause problems. 

It seems to me that patterns of thought influence the way in which we view ourselves which in turn can affect our mood. Our mood can affect our behavior. I find it useful and revealing to examine all of these but as I'm unable to do so alone with any true objectivity, I seek partners. 

Actually I couldn’t agree with you more. Spot on.

Yet there is more going on in any given life experience than moods, thoughts and feelings. There are also the circumstances, past and present, that influence how we think, experience and feel.

And it’s in the face of insurmountable circumstances and banging our heads against proverbial brick walls, however much we accept our circumstances and change our outlooks on life and our perceptions,  we reach critical mass and collapse. 

Indeed this is what I HAVE been doing most of my life. I have changed my outlook, tried to see my “failures” as challenges and accept the lot that is my life.

It’s all well and good to attempt to change our outlook to see obstacles and mistakes in life as opportunities to “grow” as human beings. But everyone has their limits. At some point some of us just break and realize the obvious. This all there is and it won’t get any better. Some of us just can’t accept that. Some of us don’t see life as worth the effort any more.

 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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