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Antiman

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DeeBear

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I have been thinking about blogging here again for quite some time, but I kept putting it off.  I just don't feel motivated to do much of anything, much less blogging again.  My world has shrunk down to almost npthing.  People I worked with for a decade now pass me by as if I'm a stranger.  I haven't seen or heard from the few friends I had in a very long time.  I am now alone.  I guess I feel as free as I can now, no longer living in fear of social interactions.

But...I can't escape sorrow, only parts of it.  I miss several people I was close to that have passed away, but I can't allow myself to let anyone new into my life.  The last person who I let in was a friend who fell in love with me.  I didn't feel that way about her, and I still feel guilty about distancing myself from her, but I had to, for both me and her.  I don't think I'm even capable of romantic love anymore.  When someone starts getting close, I run away.  I am antiman - the opposite of man.  I am only alone when I'm around others.  And like antimatter contacting matter, I feel like letting others in would result in total annihilation.

I'm just not a social animal, and mostly I'm okay with that.  I am afraid of being vulnerable, of needing the help of others, because there's no one in my life that I'm close to except my parents and my dog.  Losing my dad when I was ten broke my heart.  Losing my grandpa in 2015 broke it again.  I don't know how to heal from it.  Five years later, I still feel like the wound is fresh.  I feel like I'm just waiting to die.  I just hope the other side is better than this.  If it's not...I guess I'll be a failure in the afterlife as well.

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