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Holy crap. Work is SUCH a total nightmare. It's making my life difficult right now. I am away from work at the moment so I finally have a chance to breathe and reflect, but it's simply just ******* me right now. 

My manager yelled at me last week. He totally blew up at me unnecessarily and unprovoked. I didn't deserve it, and he eventually apologized after I went to our boss about it, but that sucked. Then my account manager tried to take over the direction of my account, that I am in charge of. I had to set the record straight with her indirectly by taking control and by taking the lead on the account, telling her what direction I am taking it in, but I was super annoyed with her over it. 

Then I had to give a client presentation yesterday on-site at the client's business. They are now on a month-to-month contract, so we could lose their business at any point. This proposal of work I gave them yesterday was critical for keeping this client invested and on contract. I felt SO much pressure over needing to both please and KEEP this client. Thankfully, the marketing manager loved my new strategy and direction, and accepted my proposal of work. But I was SO stressed leading up this meeting. And I am stressed now because I've realized the magnitude of the work I proposed, and I am nervous about it. I will be writing articles for their website in the banking industry. And according to Google's ranking algorithm, my articles must be expertly written in order to even rank. Google is getting very stringent in its ranking policies especially around medical and financial website content. It must be written or approved of by true experts in the industry. I am no financial expert! What was I thinking when I proposed this new strategy? It's cool that I get to write for them, but nerve wrecking too. 

I am job searching, but it's really hard to find a Director level role in my field. I now have ten years of experience or expertise in my field, and Director level roles seem to be far and few between. I am talking to recruiters, but they all want to put me into a lower level position for which I am overqualified. That won't work. 

I could make a lateral move, but I really want and need to increase my salary. And I feel ready to lead a team now, or at least to take on more of a leadership role.

And the problem with my current company is the leadership throughout is so God awful poor, that it makes for a most toxic work environment - a most challenging one too. I fight for my rights to succeed there, and these bad leaders are all causing major problems. Even the CEO is a bad leader. When it stems from the CEO downwards, a company can never truly be successful. It's a sinking ship; they lose clients and employees constantly. Two people have been fired since I came on board. 

If only I had a magic wand! Thank God for the weekends & my husband, or else I'd go insane. I've got to find a new job and SOON. I even thought about going back to consulting, but then I lose health insurance and paid time off, and paying taxes is troublesome.

I'm trying to remain positive and hopeful, but it's tough. I hope I don't go gray haired over all the stress. Thank goodness for Ativan. 



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