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today's thoughts 1/4/20



got up, ate toast for breakfast, cup of tea, smoked, went back to bed for 2 hours. repeated several times today (meaning every day I do this) unless I have an appt or the cats need food or litter. 

had plans to bake some stuff that didn't get done before Christmas, but gave up because daughter #2 had always helped. which led to thoughts of how she treated me Christmas day, handed me a flower plant and said merry Christmas. not another word did she speak to me. I found out about her graduating with bachelor degree, new car, and working on her masters, while she talked to daughter#1. 

had thoughts of leaving but had no where to go but back to bed. at least when i'm in bed I can believe that I am living in a different reality. one where I never feel despondent, hurt, mistreated and any other negative descriptive words.

the change in meds helps take the edge off but the thoughts are there all the time.  I would like to know what it would take for one of these professionals to understand that the thought of being around people makes it hard to have a job, not to mention the lack of skills other than childcare. 

if only people would see that I'm not able to take being around people for fear of rejection, I've had a lot of that in my life. if only they could see that the person they see is not the real me. just a person who thinks and acts like what they think I should be. 

I don't know why I am spending thousands of dollars to fix my teeth. it won't make me feel better about myself or change who I am. I wish I could get disability so that I never had to leave the house.

so these are the thoughts that have been running thru my head today. tomorrow may be different.


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