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Every year i tell myself that this is the year....this is the year that things will turn around. life will get better.  I stay hopeful for the first couple of months but then reality sinks in.
to think one new years eve night in my very early 20's, I checked into a hotel room with a shitload of alcohol, and pills and was ready to check out. I cried for hours, not sure how my body even produced that many tears. I got drunk, I popped pills, I begged and screamed out loud at no one. I texted friends for help...with no response. I drank some more....popped more pills and somehow woke up the next morning. 
My life took some real bad turns for the worse after that. ive learned from all of it, but im still no where, where i want to be in life. in fact i think i took too long to learn how to survive in my own head that i lost valuable years.
for me to say this is going to be the year....is a lie...i totally know that im just going to get thru the year. This wont be my year to find a spouse, this wont be my year to get engaged and to plan a future, this wont be my year where i realize im finally going to become a mom. no, this will be the year that i just continue to wake up each morning...go to work...come home and repeat. why do i feel that way? cause every year i spend countless months tirelessly trying to find someone to complete me and i dont even get responses.
so for 2020...i can only hope things just continue on this boring path, i don't go downhill and the solitude doesn't slowly k*ll me.
I ended 2019 not so good....i stopped the gym, i sleep a ton more, i stopped eating well. i see it, and i tell myself im going to put a stop to it all, but i dont. my body is just too tired. i already am off on the wrong foot cause i swore for the past two weeks right after new years im going back to the gym...the alarm went off this morning...and i snoozed it.
so heres to 2020, the year i turn the big 4-0,  a year hopefully where i have less depressive episodes and feel WAY less lonely and maybe, just maybe i'll even make at the very least, a friend.


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