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as a seasoned depressed person...i cant seem to help



my mom is getting worse. i dont know what im going to get when i pick up the phone to call or answer a call. her bad days are hard. she hate life, everyone, and she says some really nasty hurtful things. deep down i think she doesnt mean it, but part of me feels to blame for her unhappiness. the littlest thing set her off and somedays im scared to even pick up the phone. i get it that she is sad, but she lashes out when she is sad and i have a hard time dealing with it. she is mad a lot, more mad than happy these days. i cant fix it, i cant even console her, my life is part of the issue. maybe if i wasnt born she would be happier? I ask god for help everyday and i dont think he hears me. i feel like i dont do anything right by her. i anger her easily and im unsure what im even doing wrong. i know she is sad, beyond sad, and the only thing i know that will help is antidepressants and she is against it, she thinks they are for the weak (which sometimes makes me rethink taking mine). I dont know what else to do. I cant make her happy, in fact, me, as i currently am, makes her sad. Sometimes i wonder if i change my life to her liking, will she be happy? but will i be happy? i could probably suck up my unhappiness and hide it if i knew 100% it would make her happy. but im not so sure what will make her happy. does she regret her life? does she regret having us kids? does she regret marriage? or is it her future wasnt what she pictured (no grandkids)? or is it something else? i dont know what to do or how i can help her. i want her to be happy but without her willingness to seek a doctors help, i dont know what else i can do. Its been years now and "just being there" for her hasnt helped at all. In fact, she gets annoyed when I ask how she is. I would of thought having someone show interest would make someone feel special and loved. Now that im not allowed to ask, i fear things will turn and she will think I/us do not care. 
is there even a solution to helping her? or is this just how things are now?


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growing old is really depressing in general i think. there is a lot of things to regret over so many years and there’s nothing we can do about it..focusing on appreciating the present might be better.. she is very blessed to have such a responsible daughter like you in her life.

but dealing with depressed people is hard..it’s like constant fishing when a big fish is hooked, we need to let the fish run wild so the line doesn’t snap n reel it in slowly n when the line is about to snap, we gotto let it run wild again..but at which second do we reel it back in without the line snapping is hard to tell..

your happiness is much more important cos u live with yourself for the rest of your life..we can give up a bit of ourselves to help others but don’t give our whole happiness to someone else cos we will be left with nothing..

i’m not sure if i helped..but I do hope you find a way to take care of her this year..

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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thank you, I try to do things that I wanted/needed when i was very depressed, like asking how she is,  i longed for someone to ask me if i was ok - it rarely occurred cause no one wanted to deal with it. I invite her out and over my house all the time, another thing I longed from others.  I on the other hand, wanted antidepressants, i wanted the help, I was just scared to do it alone and had to do it secretly behind my parents back. they/she thinks depression is a weakness, perhaps thats why she is angry, she used to tell me i had nothing to be depressed about and i wasnt trying hard enough to will away the sadness. she clearly misunderstoods the whole thing, i knew it then and i know it now. She still doesnt want me taking my antidepressants, she also thinks it is some magical "happy pill" with instant gratification when  you take it, despite years of telling her how it truly works. she is misguided and stuck in her thinking unfortunately. 

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