my mom is getting worse. i dont know what im going to get when i pick up the phone to call or answer a call. her bad days are hard. she hate life, everyone, and she says some really nasty hurtful things. deep down i think she doesnt mean it, but part of me feels to blame for her unhappiness. the littlest thing set her off and somedays im scared to even pick up the phone. i get it that she is sad, but she lashes out when she is sad and i have a hard time dealing with it. she is mad a lot, more mad than happy these days. i cant fix it, i cant even console her, my life is part of the issue. maybe if i wasnt born she would be happier? I ask god for help everyday and i dont think he hears me. i feel like i dont do anything right by her. i anger her easily and im unsure what im even doing wrong. i know she is sad, beyond sad, and the only thing i know that will help is antidepressants and she is against it, she thinks they are for the weak (which sometimes makes me rethink taking mine). I dont know what else to do. I cant make her happy, in fact, me, as i currently am, makes her sad. Sometimes i wonder if i change my life to her liking, will she be happy? but will i be happy? i could probably suck up my unhappiness and hide it if i knew 100% it would make her happy. but im not so sure what will make her happy. does she regret her life? does she regret having us kids? does she regret marriage? or is it her future wasnt what she pictured (no grandkids)? or is it something else? i dont know what to do or how i can help her. i want her to be happy but without her willingness to seek a doctors help, i dont know what else i can do. Its been years now and "just being there" for her hasnt helped at all. In fact, she gets annoyed when I ask how she is. I would of thought having someone show interest would make someone feel special and loved. Now that im not allowed to ask, i fear things will turn and she will think I/us do not care.
is there even a solution to helping her? or is this just how things are now?