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Futility and void


samadhiSheol

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The meaning of (my) life or lack thereof.

Every single answer seems to miss the point. Not that there really is answer to the "meaning of life". 

NOTHING makes sense to me. Nothing seems real. Nothing speaks to me. Everything just begs for the additional question:"But Why????"

The thing is, I need a reason. I need a why. Because without that, I might as well be dead. In fact I AM dead. 

Life, just doesn't stand to any kind of scrutiny. 

"So stop (over) thinking".

You might as well say stop breathing. 

All I am doing is contemplating the unrelenting void sucking whatever is left of whatever I am.  And that is all I am. This futility of a person.

And this constant emptiness, the void and futility that is me, ladies and gentlemen, is pushing me beyond no return. 

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“So stop overthinking” That’s what is said to old people sometimes you know? They worry about their condition and can’t stop worrying cos they are stuck at home whole day with nothing to do but think so they think n they worry n they complain. That’s what my chairman told me when I told him about my problems cos I’m living with an old person. Then he said we should bring old people out more so they don’t think so much at home.

“Stop overthinking”. Gah I dunno maybe you can try that..go out more to places without humans.. Go out n take control of your body n tire out your body so your mind don’t think so much about things you can’t control. Just telling you what my chairman said, so you can give it a try if you have not already 😛 I mean old people overthink I know..since you are already “overthinking” now, can you imagine how your mind will become when we are old O_O

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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I can't not think, as I said. 

21 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

 

“Stop overthinking”. Gah I dunno maybe you can try that..go out more to places without humans.. Go out n take control of your body n tire out your body so your mind don’t think so much about things you can’t control. Just telling you what my chairman said, so you can give it a try if you have not already 😛 I mean old people overthink I know..since you are already “overthinking” now, can you imagine how your mind will become when we are old O_O

I do all that. I exercise. I read. I have a semblance of a life. But you know what? It changes nothing. My life, all life is pointless. And I cannot see past that.

The stuff I "can change" means squat in the grand scheme of things(not that a "grand scheme of things" even exists).

"Change the way you think, if you can't change your circumstances".

WTFF??

For me, that's about as intelligable as saying:

Tó emón aeròstromnon enkheleíōn plērés estin.

(My hovercraft is full of eels,  in Greek, apparently).

As far as I can see, life is pointless and for some of us..well, we just aren't even meant to be here other than perhaps as an example as as to how fu cked up people can be. F uck that.

I have no intention of living to be old(er). If life sucks now, I can only imagine what it's like, not able to move around, being frail and not being able to do a damn thing about it. 

I just want it to be over. 

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1 minute ago, samadhiSheol said:

I can't not think, as I said. 

I do all that. I exercise. I read. I have a semblance of a life. But you know what? It changes nothing. My life, all life is pointless. And I cannot see past that.

The stuff I "can change" means squat in the grand scheme of things(not that a "grand scheme of things" even exists).

"Change the way you think, if you can't change your circumstances".

WTFF??

For me, that's about as intelligable as saying:

Tó emón aeròstromnon enkheleíōn plērés estin.

(My hovercraft is full of eels,  in Greek, apparently).

As far as I can see, life is pointless and for some of us..well, we just aren't even meant to be here other than perhaps as an example as as to how fu cked up people can be. F uck that.

I have no intention of living to be old(er). If life sucks now, I can only imagine what it's like, not able to move around, being frail and not being able to do a damn thing about it. 

I just want it to be over. 

I’m sorry. I can’t imagine being in your shoes cos when I’m tired I manage to push those thoughts away. Thoughts that life is pointless. Because it is. And the reality of it can be very overwhelming. And then I think about getting old and the thoughts just get worse because gawd how many more years of this can I take 😞  

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10 minutes ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

I’m sorry. I can’t imagine being in your shoes cos when I’m tired I manage to push those thoughts away. Thoughts that life is pointless. Because it is. And the reality of it can be very overwhelming. And then I think about getting old and the thoughts just get worse because gawd how many more years of this can I take 😞  

I have suffered from burnout and exhaustion back in the day. But you know what? 

I don't think I have ever been TIRED. 

I can't turn off, in any sense. I am in constant stress, fight or flight, whatever it's called. "Relax" is a word like kngtonckdjhrddqqqwe. Makes about as much sense.   I haven't a clue what being relaxed feels like. 

I CAN'T F UCKING STOP.

Neither my mind and sometimes neither my body.

Death is the only way out. The only way to stop this broken, pointless machine.

 

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...Ahem..just wanted to say that though all the above is true enough, I tend to go overk ill when my mind goes on a tangent breaking orbit into the great unknown.. and I am truly sorry for the negative outbursts. Sorry @Depressedgurl007. You deserve better than my puerile explosion.

Season's greetings and all that. I mean it boys and girls, I hope next year will be better for all of us.

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S,

Fewer things have mattered more to my recovery than the double helix of well-being and purpose. Whether it is reasoning with it in a historical sense or being intimate with it in an evolutionary sense, those knots and entanglements are the fundament of what we are, what we might be and the shape of how we might get there. 

How well we understand others is how well we understand the same place in others. I think that is why I tend to gravitate toward blogs more than the forums. Blogs tend to illuminate this so much better. 

Can I ask, have yo ever envied those with a clear purpose if that meant a shift in your moral compass? Before an older life and this one, I wondered all the time. Would it be better to help and also risk harm, or to just give up. Sometimes it does scare me what I might have chosen to do instead.

I have been struck before by your carving for a purpose. I truly hope that counts for something because I am sure you could do a good many good things 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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On 12/27/2019 at 7:36 PM, samadhiSheol said:

...Ahem..just wanted to say that though all the above is true enough, I tend to go overk ill when my mind goes on a tangent breaking orbit into the great unknown.. and I am truly sorry for the negative outbursts. Sorry @Depressedgurl007. You deserve better than my puerile explosion.

Season's greetings and all that. I mean it boys and girls, I hope next year will be better for all of us.

haha it’s ok thanks for your kind words but i totally understand your outbursts i’m just sad i can’t help you more but here’s to a better year next year happy new year in advance (:

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On 12/29/2019 at 6:18 PM, Gisele said:

S,

Fewer things have mattered more to my recovery than the double helix of well-being and purpose. Whether it is reasoning with it in a historical sense or being intimate with it in an evolutionary sense, those knots and entanglements are the fundament of what we are, what we might be and the shape of how we might get there. 

How well we understand others is how well we understand the same place in others. I think that is why I tend to gravitate toward blogs more than the forums. Blogs tend to illuminate this so much better. 

Can I ask, have yo ever envied those with a clear purpose if that meant a shift in your moral compass? Before an older life and this one, I wondered all the time. Would it be better to help and also risk harm, or to just give up. Sometimes it does scare me what I might have chosen to do instead.

I have been struck before by your carving for a purpose. I truly hope that counts for something because I am sure you could do a good many good things 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'd settle with purpose to be honest. Well-being..I am not even sure what it means any more as I doubt everything and every meaning of everything... Haha.

Part of the problem if you can even call it a problem is the realization that I have, in effect, lived in a lie. I have lied to myself all my life.  I want this or that, I want to spend time with these people or doing whatever. In fact It would seem my whole life is fundamentally skewed. As to why I haven't done anything according to my true feelings or inclinations..I am lacking in that respect. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I have never known. I seem to be  a set of biological functions and that's about it.

Now I stand at a junction of what was, The Lie and the road of emptiness (more lies?),  or perhaps my True North. If it even exists.

 

 

 

Edited by samadhiSheol
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No more champagne
And the fireworks are through
Here we are, me and you
Feeling lost and feeling blue
It's the end of the party
And the morning seems so grey
So unlike yesterday
Now's the time for us to say
Happy New Year
Happy New Year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbor is a friend
Happy New Year
Happy New Year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we don't we might as well lay down and die
You and I
Sometimes I see
How the brave new world arrives
And I see how it thrives
In the ashes of our lives
Oh yes, man is a fool
And he thinks he'll be okay
Dragging on, feet of clay
Never knowing he's astray
Keeps on going anyway
Happy New Year
Happy New Year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbor is a
Abba- Happy New Year
Edited by samadhiSheol
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