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Fighting through, ups and downs



It has been awhile since an update. I am not taking only 200mg of Lamotragine, and Clonazepam for anxiety when needed. I ramped up on the Lamotragine and weaned off of Prozac, because I did not believe the Prozac was helping. I am not sure if the Lamotragine is helping yet, maybe a bit with depression, but the anxiety is still ruling my life at this point. 

There have been some positive episodes, where I think I am turning a corner, but then the next day is hard again. I am seeing a psychologist as well. Much of this started when I lost my job at a startup. My confidence was starting to take a hit. Then with this new job, I feel as though I am not measuring up, even though the feedback is positive. I am in constant fear of not knowing something when I need to know it. But there is so much to know! I am not comfortable there. I lack social connections since I am only in the office twice a week. Also hard to relate to folks because they are much younger. I also am not that busy, which is one reason I worry and ruminate so much. Days I feel productive, like I actually helped people, my mood is better. 

Then there is home. I underestimated the pain of the empty nest. Our two kids are at college. My son is in his third year, my daughter just started in the fall. My son is a 6 hour plane trip away, my daughter is around a two our flight away. Although they are happy at school, and things are doing well, this is so hard, I am tearing up just typing this. Sitting in a cafe so really trying to prevent the tears (being partially successful). I did not realize how much my meaning depended on them. We had fun together, I love them so much, and that causes so much worry because they are on their own now. I cannot control these things. I just look forward to our visits, and do as much as I can for them now, letting them be independent, but helping as well, buying them stuff for their rooms, making sure they know they can talk with us anytime. This is just something I must deal with, it is a sign we did something right, as they are thriving at school. Just need to find something to fill the void, and work is not it. 

Then there is the same type of worry about my parents, both in their early eighties. Mom is doing OK, but slowing down, Dad was diagnosed with the start of dementia and Alzheimers My mom is remarried and lives in a RV with her husband. They travel, then stay in Florida for the winter. They seem good. My dad lives alone, as his wife died several years ago to lung cancer.  He is hanging in there, but I worry so much, and I am not near him. Thank god he has some good friends over there. I do my best to call and visit as much as possible. 

I am doing my best to get over these worries, ruminating negative thoughts, and trying to enjoy my life. It is really not bad, I keep trying to remember this. To replace negative thoughts with good memories, gratitude. But this is so hard sometimes. Its what I need to practice according to my psychologist. I will keep pushing, I do not want to feel this way anymore. I do not know if I will ever find a magic pill again like I did with my first meds, Paxil. I cannot depend on finding another med, I must try and work through this with therapy.

I continue to stay away from alcohol and caffeine, though I miss them. I feel they are so much of my social life, or were. But if they do not help my progress, I can live without them. I will keep going, no matter what, there must me hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. We only get one life, I want to enjoy it, get though the ups and downs, find meaning.

Anyway, not sure if anyone is reading this, it feels good to get thing out there, maybe let others know they are not alone, perhaps someone is in a similar situation, and knows they are not alone. We are never alone. We must remember this, it gives is the strength to keep going.


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