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Cold Fire

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I am exhausted.  Unfortunately, that's not new.  I've been exhausted for so long I don't remember the last time I felt well.  My body is on fire from fibromyalgia pain, and I've simultaneously felt the icy cold, jittery, vibrating sensation of anxiety.  Like grabbing an electric fence.  And holding on to it all day.  Cold fire.


On this day in 2015, the doctors removed my grandpa from life support and I watched him slowly drift away. 


I've been thinking for some time now that my heart can't be broken again, but I was wrong.  Each time you break a stick in half, it gets harder and harder to break again, and I had foolishly convinced myself that the same was true of my heart, but today has proven me wrong.  That which doesn't **** you sometimes hurts you for the rest of your life.  And I still have the anniversary of my father's death coming up soon as well.  It's going to be a white knuckle ride getting through this month.

Every year the same milestones come and go, and nothing changes, nothing gets better, nothing gets easier...  I feel like I keep driving past the same milestones over and over again but still I'm surprised at how hard it is to watch them go by.  I guess I'll just have to give up on the idea that life will get better.  It wasn't meant to get better for me.  I'm just running out the clock. 

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