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standing still

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As i go for my daily walk thru my neighborhood I notice more and more houses that were once quiet now littered with kids toys. more and more little families popping up. everyone is progressing and im just standing still. at least im not going backwards....although these days i really cant tell. I might be, im still unsure if it was me that caused my friends to stray or them just moving on in life, so I could be going backwards because I just keep to myself because i have no other choice. 
ive been struggling to pay bills these last few months cause i havent made a single commission at my job. I have no leads lined up either. its causing me to have too much free time on my hands as well.
ive ran out of yard projects to do...ive done over every garden bed and moved around everything possible in my yard, theres not much else i can do that doesnt cost money. 
i started biking again, getting out and seeing the trails again. solo activities can get old quick though. ive always imagined that one day i would have one of those little carriages on the back of my bike pulling my kids. silly dream.
someday i suppose i'll find my place in life, hopefully. i just really dont want to grow old alone. 
im sad, and I cant fix it, the one thing i truly want in life I cant make happen. I live in this shell, I appear all peachy on the outside and im drowning on the inside.
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