these last 9 months ive noticed a huge change in me. im sadder. im more aware of what my life actually is rather holding on to the idea of what it could be. ive lived my entire life grasping onto that idea....just to keep me going. and well...my life is never going to go the way my "idea" is and im seeing that now. ive become a lot more reserved....everyone that has wanted to leave my life, ive let them leave with out a fight....im just literally going thru motions of each day. ive gained weight and im struggling to get it off, i feel like this is all i have at this point. no friends, no husband, no kids, not successful, not attractive, not anything, but at least i was skinny...and now im not. i exercise more than in years past. I walk daily but im guessing its stress related or something
i feel like such a huge failure, i mean, im proud i was able to get thru all my really bad bouts of depression and suicidal times by giving myself this false hope and idea that my life would eventually be wonderful. but its backfiring in my face. i try to look on the bright side and im thankful for having a job and roof over my head. i just wish my life consisted more of just waking up....going to the office ...and coming home. literally that is it. my only conversations are with my mother and 80% of it is her venting or over reacting about something and me trying to help her.
sometimes my daily (or even twice a day) walks do me more harm than good. my mind races when im walking, i think about everything, and play the game of "if my life was like x...what would i be doing right now) and then i pass all these homes with kids outside playing, and pass by families or couples out for walks and i just smile and continue on my solo trek with that fake smile on my face.
i miss meaningless chit chat and the private jokes that only you and your friend would understand. the random texts. right now im watching 4 woman in my town common taking group pictures and posing funny and laughing hysterically, it looks like they have been reunited after some time away...perhaps friends..maybe sisters...but their laughing and their bond is so wonderful to see and hard to not watch and stare. Its very sweet to see and at the same time sad to realize i wont ever have that.
so where do i go from here? how do i move on and not hurt so much? how do i become comfortable with the silence. how does one adapt? im so under-prepared for this part of my life. and no amount of "google searches" answers my questions. how do i stop holding on to the idea of being a mom, how do i just move on and accept all this? how do i live....and be ok?