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Properly letting go



I've told myself to let go but it's clear that I still haven't learned how to do that yet. I'm still trying to force a future thats completely out of my control. And it makes me angry and defeated when I can't find a way to make it work. So instead of giving up on life completely, why can't i just let go. Live for this moment right now, even though i don't have much, it''s painful, it's far from perfect, but still, I should try and make life easier for myself right ?

I have these voices in my head telling me that i'm not strong enough to survive till then. So I need to start telling myself that I am. I am strong enough. Whether i believe it or not. I have to try`and be. 

This is going to be painful - being strong. It's going to be very painful. 

I'm telling myself that I have to. For all of those friends out there that have wished me the best, I have to. For my parents who have paid for my therapy and appointments, I have to. 

I feel so guilty and ashamed when i talk about giving up, but then at the same time I feel defeated if i try and talk myself into fighting back. 

So heres the compromise. Living each day, just that little bit better. Walking, eating well, going outside, cuddling with furries. It may not be enough to fulfil me forever, but it has to be enough to carry me through this tough time right now. 

Not thinking to much about the future. Hopefully doors will open up to me soon. 

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it so much. 



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You can be strong woman and sometimes feel like surrendering; the synthesis of these two seemingly opposite truths can be viewed as conflict but also seen as a balance. Like a scale  ⚖️ sometimes one side is just heavier than the other. Balance isn't a finish line we can cross, it's not an achievement it's maintenance. 

Living in the present can be awfully hard and I believe harder still for we who wrestle with depression. If we're not ruminating about the past we're worrying about the future. I feel for you because I understand what it is like to be unable to let go. The times I've been able to let go, I sort of had a little chat with myself: Okay. You can't change what has happened. You can't control what will happen. You can control this present moment, so, for how much longer do you feel it is necessary to suffer - another hour? A day? A week? Pain, loss, change is unavoidable. Suffering over it is avoidable. 

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Thats the chat I need to have with myself now @Atra

It's painful. I don't want to let go because I feel like thats giving up in itself. But something has to change because I can't carry on living like this. 

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One breath at a time, One baby step at a time.  One hour at a time. And as we get stronger with these tasks then we can move on the the next level.

You know I have major problems with reliving the past in my head over and over and over. and the outcome never changes. The therapist has tried very hard to show me how to live in the moment and to be mindful, It is hard to overcome the thinking of the past and how to change it and how to influence or control the future.

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It is okay to focus on other things. You have options in life. You might  become a vet in the next few years or maybe you will find something else that interests you.

Look how many times I switched majors in college, and I'm still trying to figure what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life. I have problems committing to anything for very long. In the last year, I have taken up crocheting (brought a lot of yarn!), recycling used items into jewelry, jewelry holders, children's toys (I still have a room full of boxes that I was going to use), join a gym or yoga class (I have the clothes for both). And I gave everything up because I compared my work and myself  to the beautiful work of others and decided I was not good enough or I lost interest. I've taken art classes, jewelry making, wreath making and I'm looking for the next class.  I'm still looking for something that I can feel good about and that interests me.

Don't give up. Don't miss out on life. Live and enjoy everything you do. Explore what interests you. You may find you like painting or helping people or pet sitting or working in a store. Keep exploring. 

I think everyone feels lost after high school. Fear of the unknown, made me go right from high school straight into college with no break  to figure out exactly what I wanted to do. Everytime I moved out of my parents house, fear made me return to what I knew. Fear kept me from committing to one person (until I married him to get way from my mother's emotional abuse and even then I don't think I really loved him).

Look around the world, explore many paths, Work at different jobs to find something you like or just to have something to do and make some money. You are not lost. You are a at fork in the road and have to decide which direction to go. Enjoy the journey, don't worry about the big stuff,  it will still be there whenever you are ready to deal with it.

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