I've told myself to let go but it's clear that I still haven't learned how to do that yet. I'm still trying to force a future thats completely out of my control. And it makes me angry and defeated when I can't find a way to make it work. So instead of giving up on life completely, why can't i just let go. Live for this moment right now, even though i don't have much, it''s painful, it's far from perfect, but still, I should try and make life easier for myself right ?
I have these voices in my head telling me that i'm not strong enough to survive till then. So I need to start telling myself that I am. I am strong enough. Whether i believe it or not. I have to try`and be.
This is going to be painful - being strong. It's going to be very painful.
I'm telling myself that I have to. For all of those friends out there that have wished me the best, I have to. For my parents who have paid for my therapy and appointments, I have to.
I feel so guilty and ashamed when i talk about giving up, but then at the same time I feel defeated if i try and talk myself into fighting back.
So heres the compromise. Living each day, just that little bit better. Walking, eating well, going outside, cuddling with furries. It may not be enough to fulfil me forever, but it has to be enough to carry me through this tough time right now.
Not thinking to much about the future. Hopefully doors will open up to me soon.
Thanks for the support, I appreciate it so much.