so nothing like a good ole weekend with family to reinforce in your little head that you are a loser. We got together for a bridal shower for my cousin who was the only other one in my family like me...almost 40, quiet, reserved and not dating....but yup she is getting married....she is already pregnant and she is beyond happy, and im happy for her, but yes it really hurts my heart. my aunts joked with my little 25 yr old cousin that shes next! im not even thought about...they all gave up on me. as they should.
on a separate note, the one person i was hoping to hear from on my bday, not only waited til the end of the day to acknowledge it but that was it. We exchange every year, and this past christmas, she did blow me off about meeting up and also didnt bother getting me a gift (its not about the gift part) I toyed with it in my head about where do i stand with her, are we friends, are we not, did i do something? do i say something? is it in my head? part of me told me to let go and leave her alone, which i have....i dont reach out, but her bday came in march....i sent a present cause i still care about her. her father in law died in april....i sent condolences and sent her daughter a little memory gift. gifts were acknowledged for both occasions....but no convo out side that....as my bday approached, i got anxiety, as i knew this was going to be how i found out if i had a friend or not. i really deep down thought she would send me something for my bday...even just a few flowers or something...but nothing came. At this point i can safely say she is politely trying to say the friendship is over. I will retreat and let the friendship go....however her daughters bday is in a few weeks, do i still get her daughter a gift? I dont want her to think im clinging on but i also dont want her daughter to feel "forgotten" suggestions??
i know life isnt easy for anyone, but i sure feel like mine chose to have quite the most challenging course to keep me on my toes. if im not meant to be a mom, then it is what it is, if im not meant to be a wife, then it is what it is, if im not meant to have friends, then i guess it is what it is, but im scared to enter this level of my life knowing my next 40 years will be alone. I can fake happiness all I want, but I think the loneliness will do me in.