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music

cayllin

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I discovered I Prevail recently. I've heard their music for awhile now, but never really listened to anything that wasn't already on the radio. They are amazing. I think their music speaks to me in ways that no other band really does. I'm looking forward to seeing them this summer. When I listen to a lot of their music, I see myself. I see the struggle with depression. I see the struggle with figuring out where I belong in the world.  I'm seeing them at a rock festival this summer, and they weren't one of the bands I was looking forward to seeing. Until now. Now, they're one of the bands I look forward to seeing the most. I would love to be able to meet them and just tell them how much their music means to me, especially right now at this moment in my life when everything seems completely hopeless. Right now, I need their music a lot.

Every day feels hopeless. My mantra repeats in my head (it's not a positive mantra, and I don't know what else to call it) "Only a few more months, only a few more months." FYI: this part might be triggering. Since December I've been planning on leaving this world. August would be a good time because my husband will be out of town for a few days, and it gives me time to get everything in order. I don't want to live anymore. I am not really living. I'm wading through the murk of existence. All that is keeping me going right now are books and music. Honestly, I never imagined I would live to be 33. I've tried, and failed, a couple of times to just end. But dying is another thing I just really suck at. It's not something I'm afraid of. I want this. 

Anyway, right now music has a lot of meaning for me. It helps me get my frustrations out. It helps me relate and connect. I'm having a really hard time coping with life, and music is helping. I feel like those amazing artists are speaking right to me, telling me I'm not alone. 



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