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i know worth isnt based on how others treat you, but at the same time, I lack feeling worthy cause im so alone. no one reaches out to me, no one talks to me, i feel very unliked and unloveable to the point of feeling unworthy. sometimes i lie in bed at night and pray to god to please let my one and only wish in life of being a mom come true, then i downplay it and ask for at least to have someone love me if i dont truly deserve to be a mom, and then i think, if i dont deserve a spouse or companionship could i at least get a friend to talk to once in a blue moon? ive sadly been lying in bed asking of all this for over the past 10 years. perhaps its selfish of me to ask these things of god when there are more deserving individuals.
im almost at the point to putting on my online dating profile the scary truth...how i suffer from major depression, for years wished i was dead, and how im alone at 39 and never had any relationship because i have issues, that i got locked up in a mental hospital, that i tend to hide away, that i have no friends, no self esteem, that im not attractive and now am really desperate for companionship. that Im scared to grow old alone. ive lived alone for the past 13 years and its taken its toll on me. so please look past all that baggage and send me a hello...
i can literally these past few days feel myself falling apart on the inside and i cant control it. its so frustrating. like i need to be held with loving arms to feel some comfort but sadly my own arms cant help.  and i cant share how i feel with anyone.
it doesnt help that when i logged on fb this morning...1 person announced the birth of their baby and 2 others announce they were pregnant and in between it all you see everyones adorable little toddlers and kids. and then when i signed into my email....my association sent out an email congratulating two members of their newest little bundles of joy. my heart is completely broken. 
i try to find a new purpose in life but my thoughts constantly go back to motherhood. i dont see myself ever "getting over" the idea that it wont happen. im going to be haunted of it the rest of my life and as much as i am happy for others it literally hurts my heart everytime i see everyone elses wonderfully little children.
anyways...its my bday tomorrow....officially 39...and officially still have nothing in life....heres to another 40 years of solitude....


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Happy belated birthday allalone6


I'm sorry you're still hurting so much and dealing with loneliness. I empathize completely. You deserve to be loved! 


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