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I Am So Tired....

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20YearsandCounting

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I am unbelievably and unspeakably tired.  I think part of it is an effect of the Atarax that helps with my anxiety.  I still have noticeable undercurrents of anxiety, but I'm trying to steer my mind away from them.  Like a ship at sea, trying to steer around the rocky shore. But in the meantime, I am so horribly tired.  I need to get back to taking my nightly Atarax earlier - like by 830, and getting back to the bedroom by 930 so I can start winding down.  My problem is usually that I can't seem to wind down.  I let people think its anxiety thoughts, but it's not.  The truth is that I can't get to sleep because I know I will wake up.  I don't want to wake up.  I've somehow managed to live with this feeling for decades now.  There are not many days where I don't have that struggle.  I can't get to bed until I have reconciled myself to the fact that I will wake up in the morning.  Eventually I will somehow stuff it all under, like everything else.

Unfortunately, I work in a service related industry, and I cannot allow anything less that 'polite and professional' to show no matter how I feel inside.  It doesn't help that when certain people I work with/for are themselves emotionally unstable, they tend to pick on me and project their instability onto me.  The crazy thing is that I used to buy it. They would deliberately trigger me into an episode then pick on how unstable I was. I would believe that I was just that unstable that I got upset over nothing.   Idiot me took years to cotton on to the fact that this person was deliberately (and sadly probably unconsciously) picking at me and triggering me so they could criticize my behavior.  Said person feels emotionally unstable and stressed, picks on me, triggers me, then punishes me for it. Once I figured out the 'game', I started my own very subtle retaliation.... when I feel those jabs and attempts at triggering me, I just comment on how that person seems to be very upset today, and inquiring very sincerely about their welfare, what's going on in their life to stress them out.  

It's not possible to get this person to acknowledge anything they do that  might be 'wrong' or even 'hurtful'  I"ve tried that before.  I got a blank look, an incredulous laugh, and was told not to make things up.  Okay.  So you think you're perfection.....  If anyone but this person has an idea, they criticize it endlessly and without mercy, all the while claiming that they are just helping.  If anyone is anything less than enthusiastic about their ideas, they are incredibly offended and literally angry for days.  Endless criticism, and without any clear delineation of expectations. In short, no clear expectations or guidelines are given, yet the criticism is endless and frequently jeering when those expectations are not met.  I have broached this with this person before.  They literally told me that they should not have to say what they expect, that we should just 'know'. 

As you can tell, this causes me quite a bit of stress, anger, insecurity, you name it.  For me, it is toxic.  I tend to blame myself even when I am not even sure I was involved.  This person blames & criticizes everyone around them. So it's become a sick sort of synergy.  It's taken me way too many years to figure out how unhealthy this person is, for me and others. I had to have an example of someone who is relatively normal to figure it out.  I think if I had had that example earlier, I would have figured it out earlier.

Well, speak of Hell.... it's time to go back.  Is it any wonder I'm anxious so often?

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Hey, I"m sorry to hear how things are right now :( I truly know what it's like to wish you wouldn't wake up, as I struggle with this nearly every day, too. And being in a customer service industry does make it hard at work, because even the most miserable, mean spirited folk seem to have an inbuilt senser that tells them when somebody else's smile isn't 100% sincere.

The people you work with are a kind of coworker very familiar to me. I worked with a nasty piece of work once, who spent her time driving me insane and shifting blame onto me to fill out the hole in her life that came from having driven away her husband and children and been unable to find any interests outside what was a fairly unskilled job (for both of us, tbh, back then) and reality TV. They're the people who love talking about accountability, but rarely take it themselves. I get what you're going through, and I'm glad you can stand up to them!

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