I've been struggling.
Yeah, you know that. I've written about it enough times. Things have gotten dark.
I don't entirely know why.
But that's just it. I can't keep my head above water like this. Can't. Won't.
I'm about as spent as I can be. I'm ready to check out. I'm at my lowest, and I don't even know if I want to change that.
But that made me realise something. This is where I used to be.
When I was younger, I did things that I now envy. It wasn't that I had skill or knowledge or any reason to do well. I was hungry, and had nothing to lose.
I lost that hunger, and started acting like I couldn't afford to fail.
I've got nothing left. I'm at the end. This is it. My race is run. It's do something or stop hanging around.
And you know what?
I'm going to do something. I've got nothing to lose, and I'm hungry as hell for the life that I dreamed of and feel was taken from me.
I did great things when I had no ability or training or experience.
I'll shatter the ****ing earth now.
I've had a couple of goals that have consistently been the same distance away for years. My short term is always 6 weeks, and my long term has always been 8 years. I just don't seem to be able to get closer.... maybe it's that I've been over optimistic, and reality hits when I get closer.
Thing is, the 8 years is now within striking distance in 12-18 months....
I don't want to do that though. That's too far away, and I can do it if I'm the same anyone else.
That's not me.
Give me 3 months.
It's not just my life I save if I do this.
I worry that I sound soulless sometimes, but I'm talking about making a difference.
Watch me. This shit will be an epic story I'll tell my grandkids someday.