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back at it

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so  I stopped writing cause coming here oddly went from a great place for relief to a place that reminds me how sad my life is. When I reread my posts from years earlier and I see how things are the same, it makes me feel worse.
so i stopped writing all together. I figured, why have proof of life thats standing still? or getting worse.  (yet, here i am, cause thats how pathetic i am)
So i swore off everyone in 2019. i decided to stop reaching out and putting myself in a position to be blown off. and as much as that sounded like the best thing to do for my mental health, I have sat here for the past 5 months not hearing from a sole. Turns out I learned, if I didnt make the attempt, no one cared if I was here or not.
Ive started getting more involved in my town, volunteering a lot more and getting into town government. Ive made acquaintances...people know my name and say hello, but nothing goes beyond that. its just something to do to fill all my empty voids
work is going poorly, being commission based...I have nothing lined up, I thought i had a few clients in my pocket but they all went with other people.
im starting to to let everything get to me again. things out of my control, things i cant change, things i know will never happen for me...its been piling up. (hence why i gave back in to writing)
loneliness really can do such a number on you. It certainly makes you feel like you suck at life, thats for sure. When you cant even master companionship then there is something wrong with you.
so anyways....i guess i just wish work would pick up for me so I dont stress about finances and so im busy and wont have time to focus on the emptiness around me. 
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