I had an interesting revelation today.
This morning I was told that I would do some training today for upcoming work at the front desk of the hotel I live in. For the past several days it hasn't felt real, even though I knew it was and could feel a slight unease haunting my subconscious.
Today, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. My chest began to ache. It felt like my heart would explode. The closer it got to going up there for the training, the worse I felt. Recently I got an app on my phone and have been keeping track of my mood and such with it. I decided to log my mood and was recommended to go sit outside (an activity I had added as something helpful). So I did. I went outside and wrote in my journal for a bit. Eventually, as the emotions one by one left me and ended up as words on the page, I finally felt... normal: a little tired and a little nervous, but nothing like earlier.
When I came inside and sat down I had the sudden random thought that I wanted my life to stop. But I was in such a peaceful state of detachment that I didn't "feel" that way, if that makes sense. I had become an observer. I wondered why I had this thought when I felt fine, so I asked myself, "why?"
"Because... I want to run away."
I never thought about that before. I've spent a long time trying to escape my life, my feelings, my self. It made so much sense to me why these kind of thoughts had started plaguing me.
"Then run away." I told myself. "Do and live however you want. If you truly want your life to stop, then you have nothing left in your life to lose. You can run away from this life and make a new one. Use these feelings to pursue your dreams, not your end."
"But I can't run away. I feel trapped." There were invisible chains tying me down; chains of my own creation.
Finally I feel like I get it. I realized something about myself that I needed to see. I, whether by my own accord or under the influence of others, have chained myself down so much that I've reached a breaking point. Every time I try to reach out to free myself from one of my chains, I gain several more. This is why those intrusive thoughts keep appearing more often and have been getting increasingly stronger. I seem to feel as if there is no other way to escape. But there is. There is another way.
Just let go. I've always been told to let go of things and I never understood how. The words themselves felt meaningless. I didn't know how to apply them. Now I found a way.
Let go. Don't let go of your life. Let go of the chains you and others have trapped you with. Even just one chain will make you feel so much lighter.