It's been a dark couple of years.
I'm trying to find an ounce of positivity. I just don't see the point.
Summon up a little more strength, and soldier on... but why? Why the **** does it matter.
What does anything matter?
I keep telling myself the biggest reason I'm still walking around is because of the people who'd be hurt by my ending it all.
Do they care?
Is that what's in my head?
Is there a reason I feel like I'm almost walking alone in life, am I toxic human being, that no matter what good I do in the world it just won't matter next to this inherent trait.
Am I just giving in, or is this what's always there, and it's just accepting reality.
I'll do anything. I'll take on anything. Let's do it all on my weakest day, let's do it for ****ing laughs. Just let there be meaning, let there be a point.
If my actions don't matter, if my choices don't matter, if it's all an uphill battle with no point... I'm ****ing tired.
I don't want to be this negative person, but I've done enough. I've been strong enough. Just let me see that it matters, that what I do makes a difference that matters...
I feel like no matter what I contribute to the world around me, no matter how many people are leaning on me, no matter what, I'm a waste, and any other human being by nature of just existing is special in some way because hey, you're here, and that's enough, that's something amazing that deserves support and help to make the most of a thing.
**** this illness.
**** this illness.
What the **** is wrong with me. How do I find peace. How do I change a damn thing. Why does any of this ****ing matter.
I'm fighting as hard as I can.... and I'm going backwards... and I'm trying to hide this fight from everyone, because it's not fair they share the burden..... I'm their strength, not an added burden.
I'm falling apart here.... I'm spiralling ....
I'm done now.... but damn, it's looking close.
What do I have to do to change the course I'm going....