I'm struggling. A little bit.
Honestly, I seem to be spiralling downwards at a speed that frightens me.
I'm doing what I can to heal, but... I wonder if it's that I don't have enough time for it, or if I've got too much pressure on me, or if this would be happening anyway.
I've had three episodes this year where I've very nearly ended my life. What's scarier is that they were all in the past 2 months. That should be a warning sign.
The weird thing is that things are honestly getting better.
I've had a few very hard few years building back from a bit of a downfall. I'm at the end of that process, and honestly I'm as close to comfortable in life as I think I'll ever be (this isn't intended as a negative, too much prolonged comfort is as dangerous as anything else, you need challenge).
But, I still have a ridiculous workload. And honestly, I'm going from 120 hours a week to 70 hours a week and wondering why I'm not healing. I do feel more energetic... but there is a toll.
Maybe it's that simple. I need to get this to a point where I can do 50-60 hours a week for most of the year, and use that as breathing space. It's doable. I could nearly do it now if my head were clear enough and I had the time to set things up.
That's just the start of it though.
There are other issues.
I asked myself recently what I want out of life. What's the plan, what's the goal. It's going to take a lot of work, and a lot of years, but I think it's important. But things won't be easy. I suppose I just need to make sure I have a support network around me - and that's not something I'd considered, normally it's me as the support... that's a big part of why these episodes where I get close to the edge bother me... because whilst I know the people who depend on me will find another way... I know it'd be hard. I do a lot for some people, because I care, but also because I need to convince myself that I'm not a bad person, that I contribute. I maybe need to focus on building that network a bit... it might just be as simple as being more honest about my issues... but I don't like doing that. As an example, a couple of friends who know about my issues, every time I call or text, I'm pretty sure they worry if I'm about to end it all and am calling for help. I wouldn't do that (not that people shouldn't, it's just not in me), but they know I might need to. That's too much burden to put on someone. Especially if I just want to grab a drink and catch up.
The other issue is that I want to start a family. That means a lot of things. A lot of those things involve me having to deal with some of my issues that scare me. The obvious is my problems with commitment. I'm scared, and I'm scared of letting someone down... I'm not up to that. I've always had the feeling that I might not be here in a year... how could I raise kids like that?
A lot of it comes to down to the fact that I need to heal. I need to take some time to stop and slow down. Breathe a little.
I'm scared, and I'm hurting, but if I'm honest, with a relatively clear head right now, I do believe this is the last bit of darkness before the light of dawn. Good things are coming; a small measure of resilience is required to get there, but things will get better. I believe that. I know that.
I just need to breathe.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that, when I'm at my worst.
I need to breathe.