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Conquering Demons

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They used to be more impressive. Substance abuse and rampant alcoholism are more impressive battles, but I think we're through that and have been for a long time.

Now that I see things through more sober eyes, I realise problems that I never used to know.

Things like my paranoia - I always assumed there was just a lot of the world that didn't like me. And to some extent, that's always going to be true for anyone but there's a very large portion of it where I'm the one bringing those thoughts, not the people I project upon. I feel on a very deep level that people hate me, and I often just shut things down and try to tackle things solo and in harder ways than I have to, just because I don't consider that maybe people can be rational and reasonable. This may sound easy to change, but it's pretty deeply ingrained. I need to tackle some situations I'm not comfortable with. That's not going to be easy, but it's important.

To expand on this, I need to look at myself rationally. I'm actually quite proud of myself and internally think I'm a good person; but the issue is that I assume everyone else sees a disgusting, horrible person when they look at me and this fictional person is something I can't change and have always considered myself to be in the eyes of others. This is maybe a clumsy explanation, but it's the best I can do. I need to keep pushing for more realism and reason in my own thoughts.

Financially I need to be an adult at long last - I've always been crazy focused on work, but as that's taxing I've also always burnt a stupid amount of money partying. Even the past year where I've dialled that back enormously, I still don't really have that off switch with money that a person should, I'm just spending it on more boring things. It's always kind of felt like if I put myself in a spot where I can't get through, it'll give me the drive to do bigger and better things and earn more. That's lead to some tough times, but it has also lead to me accomplishing a lot that I otherwise couldn't. Necessity, and urgency, are useful tools. But I'm not a kid anymore. I need to gain some stability. And part of being an adult is being able to find the drive to do things when the stimulus isn't necessarily there; you've got to do what you've got to do.

I also need to eat better. This is pretty standard, I guess. But I'm just talking small changes here. Overall I'm usually in pretty good health. I just want to make a small adjustment. Reduce sugar, increase vitamins. That's it. The whole point is to take the edge off of whatever problem comes next, just another 1% nudge in a better direction.


The other big one is I need to rest, and value rest more. I said that I'm usually in good health... I'm in pretty bad health right now. Some pretty serious lung issues, because I've worked myself too hard. This is a crazy time of year where 90-120 hour weeks are part of life, and I don't regret that. But it's been a couple of months of it, and I'm so unbelievably weak and vulnerable to every potential illness and injury as a result. That's life, I guess. But I now need to take a minute to heal. I also, as a general principle, need to slow down. Moderate things, and tackle things in better health. Don't push through as much. If I want to get to a destination, the most direct path is often the fastest, but if it's too difficult it can result in so many disasters and setbacks... a clearer head will probably get me further.


These are the fights I need to fight if I want a better life. I believe.

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