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I don't know how this helps anyone

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Soarsie18

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I've said this before. I take things to the extreme. 

I've always been very hard on myself. Unless I'm pushed to my limits I don't feel accomplished, and I very rarely feel content with myself.

I have the ability to home all my focus into just one thing, and end up neglecting everything else around me. 

That got me into a lot of trouble last year,

and I guess because of that, I'm in even more trouble right now. 

---

I remember the feeling I had then. I felt like I was hanging on to a cliff edge.

never able to relax,

constantly at risk,

just barely holding on to life.

I wasn't depressed because I still had hope,

and I knew that it would all come to an end someday.

And I knew that I had something to look forwards to afterwards. 

And I was willing to make myself physically and mentally ill to get there.

--

But then it all fell to pieces. I had no hope. I had no future. I was back to square one. 

And even worse, I was now damaged on the inside. 

I don't know how I've made it to this point now.

But for some reason, I'm ready to try again. 

I wouldn't say I'm motivated in the same way as last year.

I am far more accepting now. I guess I've come to accept that I have no control over what other people decide is right for me. I have no control over whether I get an offer or not, therefore no control over whether I get to move out next year, and make friends. 

I  can only hope that I do, but after so much disappointment I've lost hope in everything good. 

Instead this time I'm focused on the things I can control. It's quite empowering.

I'm not going to let myself get into the same state as last year. But at the same time I'm not going down without a fight. 

It's my lifeline, my ticket out of here. And although I have no hope, no motivation,  I'm not ready to keel over and to never know how it could have turned out differently if I'd tried. 

---

A few months ago, I had no hope that I'd regain this kind of resilience.

I'm still extremely depressed at the moment, but I guess that's something to be thankful for, that I'm at least giving myself a chance now.

 

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WOW. Thank you, this helped me. You thought it wouldn't help anyone, but it did me. I don't know your specific details of course, but I can relate. I feel you through those words. It's something I could really relate too, as I am struggling with harming my insides too...

It gets scary out in the world sometimes. But I always feel alone too, especially in despair and I often get or see the hope a little too late. When I come out of the depression and regroup my mind, I get that hope feeling, as if one day the Joy will stay with me in my heart for ever and ever.

Here's some wisdom I've gathered. I wrote it in a special journal:

Sometimes we have to have a breakdown before we have a breakthrough.

And what you focus on grows.

What you resist, persists. Resistance makes stronger.  

Complete the past so you don't have to repeat the past. If past memory comes, look at it, observe it, acknowledge it's there, but let it go.

Trust the Universe, trust the process. Know it's all coming from within anyways.

Your reality is a reflection of what you believe to be true.

Decrease the importance of things you're giving a lot of meaning to. Let go of giving things too much meaning.

Patterns of the past keep us in ego.

Show your mistakes to let others know its okay to make mistakes.

Things get better when you don't resist... just be yourself.

It only matters how you see yourself.

Don't try to control everything.

We don't attract what we want, we attract what we are.

The day you plant the seed is not the same day you eat the fruit.

You harm yourself, as dust thrown against the wind comes back to the thrower.

Anxiety deals with the future, depression deals with the past. Stay Present.

Ego = the phantom self that runs your life when you're not there as witnessing consciousness.

The awakening process is an inside job.

Pleasure is externalized. Joy rises from within.

Enlightenment is knowing how much you don't know and being okay with that.

Nothing changes for the better in your life until you do.

Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.

You didn't come here to be perfect, you came here to be real.

If you learn self control, you can control anything.

The greatest relationship you can have is with yourself.

Prove yourself to yourself.

The Universe reveals it's secrets to those who dare to follow their hearts.

Life begins where fear ends.

We control how we respond to situations, but not the situation itself.

We control attitude.

Learn to accept being in the present moment.

The things we can't control teach us how to let go.

Step into the truth of who you really are, move into the oneness that everything is, and trust the Universe's plan.

I hope this helps.

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1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

something I could really relate too, as I am struggling with harming my insides too...

I'm sorry you're hurting too. It's hard to believe that someone else is going through the same thing, I feel I'm the only one who deserves this. But I'm glad I've put it out there now, and have found someone who understands what it's like. 

I've read all of your quotes. I have a special list of quotes myself, none of them are quite as impactful as the ones you have written down though. 

 

1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

what you focus on grows.

I'm trying to put this into action. I tend to slip into the habit of focusing on all of the things that I've lost - friends, family, school, opportunities, running, surfing ...

You're not able to make positive changes when you're in that mind-set. No it's not as simple as 'just think positive' But in order to stay motivated and look after yourself you have to find something to fight for, and focus on it. 

1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

Complete the past so you don't have to repeat the past. If past memory comes, look at it, observe it, acknowledge it's there, but let it go.

I get this too. I have a lot of loose ends that I need to sort out first before I'm able to move on. At the moment I'm kind of stuck and just have to wait for the right time to do it. But you're right, running away from problems doesn't make that horrible feeling go away. 

1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

Decrease the importance of things you're giving a lot of meaning to. Let go of giving things too much meaning.

This ones been hard for me. I've had to learn that lesson the hard way. 

1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

It only matters how you see yourself.

Yep :)

1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

Don't try to control everything.

Definitely !

1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

Ego = the phantom self that runs your life when you're not there as witnessing consciousness.

So so true. I've let my ego take control of my life for way too long

1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

If you learn self control, you can control anything.

:)

1 hour ago, Jamark8 said:

Life begins where fear ends.

Has helped a lot. Thank you for sharing that with me. I hope things get better with you. Today has been slightly better for me, I guess I've just had time to get over my disappointment, so now am trying to make up for it. 

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