I've said this before. I take things to the extreme.
I've always been very hard on myself. Unless I'm pushed to my limits I don't feel accomplished, and I very rarely feel content with myself.
I have the ability to home all my focus into just one thing, and end up neglecting everything else around me.
That got me into a lot of trouble last year,
and I guess because of that, I'm in even more trouble right now.
I remember the feeling I had then. I felt like I was hanging on to a cliff edge.
never able to relax,
constantly at risk,
just barely holding on to life.
I wasn't depressed because I still had hope,
and I knew that it would all come to an end someday.
And I knew that I had something to look forwards to afterwards.
And I was willing to make myself physically and mentally ill to get there.
But then it all fell to pieces. I had no hope. I had no future. I was back to square one.
And even worse, I was now damaged on the inside.
I don't know how I've made it to this point now.
But for some reason, I'm ready to try again.
I wouldn't say I'm motivated in the same way as last year.
I am far more accepting now. I guess I've come to accept that I have no control over what other people decide is right for me. I have no control over whether I get an offer or not, therefore no control over whether I get to move out next year, and make friends.
I can only hope that I do, but after so much disappointment I've lost hope in everything good.
Instead this time I'm focused on the things I can control. It's quite empowering.
I'm not going to let myself get into the same state as last year. But at the same time I'm not going down without a fight.
It's my lifeline, my ticket out of here. And although I have no hope, no motivation, I'm not ready to keel over and to never know how it could have turned out differently if I'd tried.
A few months ago, I had no hope that I'd regain this kind of resilience.
I'm still extremely depressed at the moment, but I guess that's something to be thankful for, that I'm at least giving myself a chance now.