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A circle has closed


samadhiSheol

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 I believe a circle of sorts has just closed.

Today I met someone after five years. Someone who in fact sent me on the current path(in my head that is) I am now on, the path some of of you have witnessed these few years I have been posting on df. It was the same young woman I mentioned in one of my early threads.

Here's a link if anyone is interested:

Basically it was a work place infatuation that was one-sided and more to the point nothing happened. In fact she was probably unaware of the maelstrom within me.

Actually at the time she was more a catalyst than anything else. I just realized how empty I was and indeed had been most of my life after it all blew over. 

The initial post is a wall of text(as is this so it would seem haha), so I understand if you can't read it.. My condolescenes to those who do!  Haha.Again.

The thing is after five years I saw her again at work just a while back. I knew a couple of weeks that chances are we would meet briefly and I was somewhat anxious...

But It all went well. We talked some over coffee at work, but honest truth I didn't have much to say. In fact, I felt little at all. It was all a bit of anticlimax. Haha. The magic was completely gone, if had even been there in the first place. Not that I even expected it to be there.

But I realized again how stuck I am. How little anything has changed. I am five years older and still working at the same job I dislike, same thoughts in my head. Just another dozen or so futile attempts under my belt to change my circumstances and more importantly myself. I have learned nothing during the past five years.

No, not entirely true. I have indeed learned something. What I wrote about loneliness. It's true I don't connect. It's true I spend a lot of my time alone. But in all honesty I am better that way. People drain me. Talking with people takes its toll all the time. Being around people irrates me in the long run.

I am never truly relaxed, but I am closer to relaxed while I'm alone doing nothing in particular, like reading or shadow boxing. 

I will probably never see her again but that's ok. I don't "have feelings" for her. I probably didn't have feelings for her then either. I yearned for a connection. Probably with myself. 

None of this affects the chronic satisfaction or how wrong and fake this life feels to me. What I wrote about true love, connection etc. still stands. I am just more lost in this void than ever.

Indeed. Anitclimax.

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Fascinating! I'm always struck by how many parallels you and I have in our lives.

I had an infatuation with a coworker as well. It was agonizing, made worse by the fact I was still married at that time.

Now I work alongside her without "longing". I have to say, it's much better this way!

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People drain and wear me out as well....as I probably do them. 

Like my hero, Mr Carlin, I really do like people, as long as I can deal with them one at a time and in five or ten minute chunks.

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I'm a "highly sensitive person," which means, "Sensory processing sensitivity is a temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli."

Y'all might relate. There's a book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron. Life is so much better when I honor this fact about myself and just chill more.

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12 hours ago, moodyjuniper said:

I'm a "highly sensitive person," which means, "Sensory processing sensitivity is a temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli."

Y'all might relate. There's a book, The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron. Life is so much better when I honor this fact about myself and just chill more.

Sounds like I need to check this out. 

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