I believe a circle of sorts has just closed.
Today I met someone after five years. Someone who in fact sent me on the current path(in my head that is) I am now on, the path some of of you have witnessed these few years I have been posting on df. It was the same young woman I mentioned in one of my early threads.
Here's a link if anyone is interested:
Basically it was a work place infatuation that was one-sided and more to the point nothing happened. In fact she was probably unaware of the maelstrom within me.
Actually at the time she was more a catalyst than anything else. I just realized how empty I was and indeed had been most of my life after it all blew over.
The initial post is a wall of text(as is this so it would seem haha), so I understand if you can't read it.. My condolescenes to those who do! Haha.Again.
The thing is after five years I saw her again at work just a while back. I knew a couple of weeks that chances are we would meet briefly and I was somewhat anxious...
But It all went well. We talked some over coffee at work, but honest truth I didn't have much to say. In fact, I felt little at all. It was all a bit of anticlimax. Haha. The magic was completely gone, if had even been there in the first place. Not that I even expected it to be there.
But I realized again how stuck I am. How little anything has changed. I am five years older and still working at the same job I dislike, same thoughts in my head. Just another dozen or so futile attempts under my belt to change my circumstances and more importantly myself. I have learned nothing during the past five years.
No, not entirely true. I have indeed learned something. What I wrote about loneliness. It's true I don't connect. It's true I spend a lot of my time alone. But in all honesty I am better that way. People drain me. Talking with people takes its toll all the time. Being around people irrates me in the long run.
I am never truly relaxed, but I am closer to relaxed while I'm alone doing nothing in particular, like reading or shadow boxing.
I will probably never see her again but that's ok. I don't "have feelings" for her. I probably didn't have feelings for her then either. I yearned for a connection. Probably with myself.
None of this affects the chronic satisfaction or how wrong and fake this life feels to me. What I wrote about true love, connection etc. still stands. I am just more lost in this void than ever.