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I'm a Little Bit 'I Don't Know' Today....

20YearsandCounting

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I'm a little bit on a seesaw today.  Thought I would call in sick earlier, the cramps were so bad.  Yeah, thanks mother nature - not.  Bitch.  Anyway, I am here and going forward with my day, but with reservations. 

It's been warm here - pleasantly in the 70s and 80s.  Today, the high is 59 and it. is. windy.  The wind just sort of cuts right through you.  But I'll be missing it in July and August when temps are regularly above 105F and you can almost fry an egg on the dashboard of your car in the afternoon. 

I had a dream this morning, about my daughter.  She struggles with depression, too.  She has since she was about 10, but had to go unmedicated until just about a year ago (18) because I've heard so many stories about teens reacting weirdly or really badly to antidepressants.  It might have been a mistake to wait, but it can't be undone now.  So she seems to be on the mend, but you know how slow that fight can be.  She graduates next month.  A couple years ago she said she was planning to k*ll herself after graduation.  She seems to be in a much better place now than she was a couple years ago, but I still worry that her improvement is due to the brief euphoria sometimes offered by 'setting a date'.  

What does this have to do with my dream?  Well, I dreamed that she kept a lion chained up in her bedroom.  It sat there in the corner and didn't do anything or react to anything I did.  I wanted her to get rid of it and she said she didn't really seem to even hear me.  I was worried that the lion would snap one day and attack her.  When I woke up I realized what you are probably thinking now - the lion was an avatar for her depression and previous talk of suicide.  So I am trying to believe that she is really doing better, but the Old Veteran in me is uneasy....  You know the Old Veteran I'm talking about.  If you've fought depression for any length of time, you're a veteran.  Some things you develop a feel for;  I am trying to be hopeful and encouraging where I can but deep down I am still profoundly worried.  I don't know how much is my struggle and how much is legit concern. 

I've been really close to the edge myself recently.  So far this year I've had quite a few close calls - standing on the edge, my toes curled over the edge of the cliff, just looking down.  I don't get vertigo anymore from looking down.  (if you consider vertigo in this case to be a metaphor for the things you will regret leaving).  I've fought too long and and I'm too damn stubborn to fall over the edge of the cliff now, but sometimes it's a really close decision.  Sometimes I remind myself that I don't have any life insurance and my husband will be up a creek without me to pay the bills. He's not quite old enough to retire.  And it would devastate him.  That's not ego, that's experience.  Personally I believe he'd be better off without me, but experience tells me he would be heartbroken and angry at God. I know how much it hurt me when my late first husband killed himself - and we had only been married close to three years.  Hubby and I have been together 20 years this year.  If anything ever happens to him, I'll probably die of a broken heart right there.  That happens, you know.  The shock of losing someone can actually break fragile threads in the heart and cause you to die.  I forget what the threads are called - I think the shock sends a surge of adrenaline that overloads the heart. 

Anyway, that was cheerful talk, wasn't it?  Sorry-not-sorry.  The mind goes where it will, and if I can express it now, it makes it easier to 'conceal don't feel' while I'm at work.  Calm professionalism and all that rot.  It's practically that time, so I guess I'd better cut this short.  As usual. 

Hang in there, fellow fighters.  Don't give in - I may come close, but I won't give in if you won't.  How's that sound?

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Every time I get a little callous, I remember Jared Padelecki.  We often look at celebrities and we can't help but think 'what does he have to be depressed about?' and it never fails to catch me up short.  I'm doing to him exactly what the fuck everyone else has done to me. 

Warriors come in all shapes and sizes, and from all walks of life. 

Don't give in, and I won't either.  Pinky swear. 

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