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Second guessing my mood

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nhaar

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Last time I wrote I said I was doing good and hypomania was over for now but now I am second guessing my mood. I guess that good energy was hypomania after all. Very mild but hypomania anyway. 

I feel like I am now in what I call hypomania hangover. It's a state right after hypomania. Suddenly all the colors have faded and motivation is gone. I don't know what to do because my mind has stopped feeding me ideas. I am wondering what the hell just happened? Where did all my energy go? How can it just disappear? 

I feel empty and disappointed. I am struggling with my weight loss. It is so hard to motivate myself to go outside for a jog. It's actually hard to motivate myself to do anything. Everything is so grey and gloomy. 

Some days are better than other days. I get things done and when I don't, I feel guilty and useless. I can't work because of my illness. I stay at home all days. I feel like it's my obligation to get chores done. I often forget that I am not a stay-home-mum, I am a recovering patient. Also I compare myself to the person I am when I hit my highs. I forget that I can only be that super human when I am manic. 

I have lately suffered from some anxiety too. Getting out of door is becoming harder. I think my neighbours don't like me and my family. I think they are talking ill about us. There are so much to do in the backyard now that it's spring, but I can't go to my backyard. Going there causes me a panic attack. I want to but I can't. 

I also get anxious when my kids are bringing friends from school. I always say yes when they ask but it's giving me hard time. I am afraid they are too loud or I am wondering what they think of me when the house is messy and I can't get off the bed. 

I don't know if my mood is turning back to depression. By far I have learned that manic episode is followed by depression. I've been on this rollercoaster for so long that it's making me think does this ever stop? How long I can go on like this? I mean, after three hospitalizations, ECT, trial of different medication and therapy, when does this end? Does it end when it ends me or is there still hope? 

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