"when you walk in the bar. And you're dressed like a star, rocking your f me pumps..."
So I'm writing this while listening to Amy Winehouse. I guess I understand her better than ever now.
I want to be honest. I'm angry.
I've wasted so much of my life caring about what little nobody's thought of me. Putting on a fake show to try and win them over.
Always striving to be as popular as my friend (who was an absolute social butterfly) - and putting myself down in the process.
I've spent 18 YEARS being unhappy. for what. to make other people like me ?
Well guess what,
now I'm sitting here, in bed all alone.
Yep that's right.
All that effort into becoming this perfect teenage girl - beautiful, kind, attractive, fun, funny, party animal, intelligent, organised, stylish, athletic
all that masking for nothing. All a show.
And as I am right now - I couldn't possibly be further away from that ideal.
sorry for my language - (but yeah, I'm really angry at myself)
When have I ever done anything for myself ?. When have I ever done anything because It felt right in my heart, not because it would make me look good to other people, or because it would gain me popularity points - Never
I'm sick of hating myself. I'm sick of feeling less than. I'm sick of being scared.
so F*ck it.
If they don't like me from now on then they don't have to have anything to do with me.
Or if they want.. they can confront me !
, either way I won't let them effect the way that I live my life anymore.
When did I first put this into action ?
I walked into school (first time in 6 months).
It was the scariest moment of my life (I know pathetic right ?) - all because I care more than anything how others perceive me.
And I knew, at that moment, my reputation had gone down the drain.
All thanks to my mental breakdown, six month disappearance off the face of the earth, and my cousin who probably lavished in the chance to spread rumours about me whilst I was gone. Fine whatever. I had to face it.
I walked into that building. My legs physically shaking, knees knocking together. I was wearing a skirt, tights and a tie, I felt super uncomfortable.
I walked through the school halls keeping my head down, avoiding eye contact and any kind of recognition.
The worst point was standing outside the work room. My cousin was sitting in there with all her friends crowded around her. I entered all alone. And every head in the room turned to look at me.
Did they say anything ?
Were they judging me ?
- almost absolutely
But somehow, I still managed to leave the school that day feeling happy and content with myself.
Instead of putting myself down for how others reacted towards me. I thought to myself, f*ck these people :)
(not all of them, just the ones giving me funny looks)
Do they really matter to me now ?
Am I proud of myself for having the nerve to go to school
That's all I need. To feel content with myself. That's what will support me through life. That's what will keep me happy and strong.
So no more conforming to the rules.
No more being ashamed and scared of judgement.
I'm going to do and say whatever the hell I want.
If it keeps people from walking all over me - then fine. I'll live with the consequences.
I only need myself in this life.
I have never, ever felt as distant and cut off as I do right now.
Tomorrow, I'm going in to school with an even stronger f*ck you attitude.
- No more shaky legs.
And - I'll be sure to listen to Amy Winehouse whilst making my entrance and try and channel her amazing attitude :)
Thank you to everyone for giving me this strength. X