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Lately.

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MaepleSyrup

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How do I put this?

Things come and go left and right. It's been like this for months now, especially with work and family matters. People quit or choose not to do their part and it screws everybody over. Family events, surgeries, etc. Yknow, all the fun things.

I can't get over how my bonds with people have been changing. I'll start talking to a group of people in real life, and once I find that we don't necessarily work well together, I avoid them to the point where they hardly see me. I've left people before without a word, even without a specific reason. Sometimes I feel like karma has caught up to me, since there have been people who I was really close to seemingly leave and I end up not seeing them for a long time. There's still people who I really cared about that I haven't seen in months. And yet, I have not heard a word from them. I worry. And I stress endlessly.

On top of that, dealing with people on personal circumstances (so not through work/coworkers) is a difficult thing for me. Even trying to cut ties with a friendship is difficult. Thus, I play along and dish out the excuses. Excuses I so irritabley hate just so I can't see them.

But once I get here, it's a whole different story. I don't know if it's sad for the fact I bond better with people from different sides of a screen than face to face. Though, making eye contact with people is something I have never been able to do. Sometimes I stutter when I talk because my anxiety will kick in, and I end up just sounding plain stupid. Keeping up a conversation is challenging in itself.

Social anxiety I tell you. It's gotten much better over the years though.

 

Ah, enough about socializing.

I will say that my back has been giving me problems off and on. It's never been great to begin with, and I'm already at a high risk of back problems since it seems to run in my family (though I can't go to a doctor to get it looked at because I just can't trust them). I still push myself to lift heavy bags of litter and trash at work- while I may not feel a thing, I'm sure my back feels every pound. I don't know when the breaking point will be in the future, and I don't know if there's anything else that's going on (possible scoliosis), but I sure as hell cant find out anytime soon. It probably doesn't help for the fact my back never has constant support-- so even after sitting and slouching, it will give it a good pop within five minutes once I sit up straight. Hell, even I feel short of breath at times for no reason.

Lightheadness is something I keep experiencing too. Despite the fact I drink plenty of water-- but the only thing I get is dehydration when I looked at what it's a symptom of. I went on a bad habit for about a year on drinking nearly a gallon of water a day. Maybe my body is used to a higher amount? I don't know. But if that's the case, then I guess it'll have to deal with not getting that excessive amount constantly.

These are things I can't find the best solutions for. I'm not sure what I could do to fix these problems. Whatever the case, I hope everything turns out good in the end. It would be nice to know I was stressing over nothing.

 

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