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D is for Demons day

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Soarsie18

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Today is April 1st. 

That means tomorrow is April 2nd

And April 2nd is the day of my first A level exams.

Now, if you've heard anything from me in the past couple of days, then you'd have heard about this exam thing and probably are sick to death of hearing about it.

But... BEFORE YOU STOP READING ! -  I'm not trying to make a big deal out of something ordinary that everyone at some point in their lives has to face.

No.

I'd probably bore you to death if I did. 

There are far more significant factors for me to face on April 2nd, factors that have me quaking with adrenaline. 

(and having to perform well in an exam on top doesn't help that)

My Demons

My biggest fear, is the fear of being misjudged.

That fear stopped me from speaking out, it stopped me from making connections, it kept me quiet. 

It's always been that way, something that I was born with and never able to get control of.

Over the years I've become more confident (slowly), I guess I was starting to accept and feel comfortable with who I was.

---

When I went to stay with my Aunt last September, I was pretty confident. I was 18.

I had already experienced the last year of A levels in my old school, so that gave me even more confidence that this year would be a success. 

I was more mature and more experienced than I guess many in my year. I felt a type of confidence that I had never felt before. 

For the first time I didn't have to depend on anyone to stick by my side, I was standing on my own two feet, on my own, in a foreign school, with foreign people - and I was doing completely fine. 

----

Over the next few months, slowly, bit by bit, my confidence began to crack  by my aunts constant attempts to make me feel small, and less than my cousin (my Aunts daughter)

I was 18, but I still wasn't my own person, I'd believe whatever was told to me (like children do with their parents). And in that time frame I guess my Aunt was my parent. 

I believed that I was a bad person, that I was strange, and that I was inferior to my cousin. 

I felt guilty about it for months.

-----

Now, if I had been knocked down at any other point in my life, I would have probably rebounded and been fine, a bit shaken, and angry, but fine. 

At this point in my life, I had already been knocked down. I had underlying depression from that summer of me failing exams and friends moving away to university.

This time, I felt no hope. 

The idea of staying with my Aunt and going to a new school saved me from my summer depression. 

It gave me hope. 

And now, that last bit of hope I had, had been taken away. 

The way I like to describe my depression is me sitting in a big pit. The further along my depression is, the deeper the pit would be. By Christmas, the pit was so deep that I couldn't see the sun shining anymore. 

I did all sorts of things to cope with the disease - binge eating, and complete self destruction.

For 4 months I was lifeless. Each day of living was just pro-longing my suffering, suffering that I wanted so badly to end, but didn't feel I could.

----

Those 4 months, I lived in my bed. 

here's my day for you:

12pm

-> get out of bed

-> make some food

-> go back to bed, eat food in bed

-> watch tv to distract me from my thoughts

3pm

-> convince my family that I was fine for them to leave me alone in the house

6pm

-> refuse to go out with them

-> eat some more

12am

-> try and sleep for about 30 mins before giving up and staying up all night watching tv.

4am

-> start all over again

For those 4 months (december - march) I only left the house to go to my therapist and tutor sessions. 

I had become a recluse, I was't able to face the world anymore, not even just a walk on the beach down the road from where I live. 

I might as well have been dead. 

-----

After a month of prozac, I feel as though I have come back from the dead. The meg - who was previously dead, is back now. And all the things that meg wants to do are now effortless - going for walks, going out with family, going out with friends, studying for exams.

----

So, now that you have some idea of how the last few months were, I guess I should get to the point, which is actually all about tomorrow. 

Tomorrow is the first time that I'll be seeing my cousin since I left their house. 

Tomorrow is the first time that I'll be going back to school since November.

Tomorrow is the first time that I'll have to explain to people in the school why I've been away for so long.

Tomorrow is the first time that they'll see me since I left.

Tomorrow is also the day of my first A level exam.

--

A year ago, there's no way I'd be able to face this. Little old me - shy, a people pleaser, cares too much what people think

I'd be too scared to enter a place where people already have pre-existing notions of me (all thanks to my cousin spreading rumours)

But

Now

I have been judged, judged in a very bad, negative way by my Aunt. 

And through that I've come to realise that my worst fear - judgement, really isn't that bad.

My Aunt was wrong about me - SO what, she doesn't like me. 

My Aunt was never a fair person, and I'm actually really glad to get rid of her, same goes for my cousin as well. TOXIC.

So, if anyone tomorrow feels up to giving me weird looks, making fun of me, straight up ignoring me or misjudging me in any way. I honestly couldn't care less. 

They might not know the truth, but I do. 

And I'm sick of bending over backwards and protecting people who are toxic to me just because I'm a people pleasure, and care too much what others think. 

I honestly couldn't care less now.

There will always be someone who's wrong about you.

So as long as what you're doing is right in your own head, keep doing it !

let them think what they think.

And once you make peace with that,

You'll be a free person, at last.

 

 

 

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