I tend to love characters that are often perceived as cold, asocial, grumpy, stoic, difficult to know - like Detective Kennex from Almost Human. I've heard somewhere that our favorite characters are our favorites because we see part of ourselves reflected in them. I can really see that in the character of Castiel from Supernatural. But in Detective Kennex, I don't see some of it - stoic, difficult to know, asocial, moody... often perceived as cold hearted... I guess I think the character of Detective Kennex is too capable to be like me. He is much more self assured than I am - I am convinced that I am a walking mistake waiting to happen. He has faith in his abilities and instincts. It seems like I only identify with what are perceived as 'negative' traits, though. I don't personally see stoicism or being difficult to know as negative, but I can see how others would.
I started this entry yesterday, but couldn't finish it. I'm still having trouble being able to express certain things - I'd rather hide. I'm sure if I took one of those quizzes, I'd wind up being Avoidant. I just want to disappear someplace where the anxiety can't find me. My mind latches onto something and blows it up out of all proportion, and then obsesses over it - as in, that's all I can think about. It takes a concerted effort to distract myself, it takes a whale of a lot of effort and time to put it in proportion; it takes focus and persistence to move beyond it. Sometimes I put in all that effort to put one obsessive worry into proportion and move on, and another one pops up. That's where I'm at right now. Yesterday it was one obsessive worry; today it is another. You'd think after all these years I'd be able to recognize it, but I still heavily rely on my husband to let me know when I'm repeating myself or when my thinking seems to be obsessive or circular.
Anyway, it's time for me to get on with my day. This is one of two days a week that the local 'free' counseling center is open, so I'm hoping I'll be able to remember to call them and schedule myself an appointment. I may have to do intake all over again, it's been several years since I've been there at nearly two since I've seen my regular psychologist I found after that.