Life's getting better. Everything is possible. I am incredibly, unbelievably lucky.
But it's hard. And it's not that my mind is against me, it's that I have an illness that challenges me sometimes.
I got drunk a while ago and spoke to a friend about how I'd planned to **** myself a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember what point I was trying to make was; maybe that things aren't as rosey as they always look, but I was surprised at how hard that hit someone. It's weird. To me it wasn't that big of a deal; a place my mind had been, and moved on from. To my friend, it was a risk of losing me suddenly and unexpectedly.
I'm starting to realise that maybe the reason my illness flares up so much is the challenges that I put myself through. I work crazy hours, and always have. It's absolutely time to start prioritising rest and balance. There is value in taking on challenges, and stretching to do anything put in front of you... but, there is a limit. Health matters - mental and physical.
Same story for the rest of my life. I'm sitting at home at the moment and I look around and everything is cheap/broken/held together by duct tape, it took me until my late 20's to own a couch or table because they weren't priorities to me, even now my home is more office than home. I need to balance this. Comfort and rest is relevant. Balance is important.
I have so much in life. I have so many wonderful people in my life, I am healthy, I have a good career.
It's time to stop fighting for bigger and better things, and instead to make here and now better. I've made my sacrifices, endured my challenges. Let's stop taking the hard road, lets take scenic road and stop six times on the journey.
There is a better day, and I don't think it's at the end of the tunnel anymore. I think it's here, and I've just stayed blind to that - always too focused on rushing ahead.