Today has not been easy.
I had some plans for today. I had run my race... and that was that.
It's been rough.
I still don't know what the plan is for tomorrow. I have no choice but to keep moving. Even today I don't have time to spend on this; I have too many commitments that I can't just drop. But here I am, sidelined with this illness.
I wonder if I should stop everything and say that enough is enough, I need time to heal. But I wont, and honestly I can't.
About the only thought that has kept me holding on is the lives I'd hurt by not being here. That sounds arrogant maybe; but putting a lot into helping others has been my way of trying to convince myself that I'm not a horrible person.
I don't know though.
I've tried. I've tried. It hasn't been through a lack of action, or fear of taking on new challenges. I've done it, I've pushed every boundary and repeatedly faced every fear just to prove to myself that they're not my master. Again, that sounds arrogant, but I've viewed this as a fight for a long time, and whilst there were once years of inaction, there has been a decade of crazy progress in every measurable sense since. I've pushed my boundaries. I've achieved the goals I set.
I am unhappy.
I suspect I am broken in a way that will never be fixed.
I am unhappy. I am in pain.
If I go on, I need to change that.
I am not gritting my teeth and pushing through this.
I need to change it.
There has to be an angle I haven't tried. There has to be something I haven't done.
There has to be a way.
I will find a way. I will heal.