A post in the suicide forum gave me a flashback. I responded with the following in that forum but I also wanted to post it here in the blog. I trace some of my current "issues" back to this time in my life. Maybe I'll explore what it all means some more. Or maybe I won't. Probably wouldn't do me any good.
I had to change schools just before fourth grade. This would have been in 1968. The school I started attending was small, with a 4th grade class of 31 students. They had all been together since kindergarten. I was an outsider. The proto-jocks and bullies began picking on me right away. I'm sure I was being tested at first but once they found out I was a complete wuss, they started beating me up in earnest. I was also a year younger than the other kids because I'd started school a year early. So I was extra puny. Anyway, I soon noticed some of the other kids who were getting constantly picked on. I made friends with them and quickly became part of the banished group. We'd help each other put up with the avalanche of sh!t from the as s holes and generally commiserate at recess.
If it wasn't for those few other kids who were down and out (even at age 8-9!), I would have probably croaked myself. I hated life then because my parents were going through a divorce. I also knew at that age that I was a loser. But I pulled through with the help of others who were going through similar BS as I was. I guess that's why I gravitate here as well. We have been through our own particular hell and know how rotten it is. We treat each other with respect as a result.