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Crawling

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JJayy

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I don’t know. 

I see this year to be no breeze. I want to look at it as opportunity. Put a meaning to it, so I don’t perceive it as all negative. 

I get constantly knocked down. Sometimes pretty hard. 

Maybe this is a phase I must go through that will reveal all the suffering, pain, vulnerability, insecurity, fear, and weakness, that I never really dealt with but covered them up with superficialility. 

So it can be the big opportunity to finally face it.

But I kept on running away just to survive and paste myself with secondary trivialities. But it’s just putting a bandage to a deeper wound. Sooner or later it was meant to collapse and spill out barely healed wounds that’s been covered up for decades. 

I carry a lot of pain inside. 

I don’t want to pretend to myself anymore and put up a facade to deny this deep wound and my inadequacy. 

I don’t know. I’m not good at this. 

I wanna see this as an opportunity though. 

Maybe it’s just my another attempt to survive and not get crushed. 

Am I doing the right thing? I don’t know.

I just hope this won’t break me but make me. 

How am I going to do this? Am I on the right path?

to be honest, I really don’t know. I don’t know anything. 

I can only wish...

 

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Sounds intriguing. I hope it works out for you! I had an "opportunity" appear recently but it would require me to effectively ditch my current life and plunge into the unknown.

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Sounds intriguing. I hope it works out for you! I had an "opportunity" appear recently but it would require me to effectively ditch my current life and plunge into the unknown.

That’s a fantasy of mine at times. Ditching and plunging into the unknown. However, as a parent I can’t do this at the moment. In the past this had saved me and I was able to start from fresh. And perhaps, it will liberate me from heaviness I’ve been carrying for awhile. But I just can’t ditch my responsibility as a parent. So I’m trying to work around it. Trying to angle it as an opportunity rather than an obstacle. I don’t know. I just hope this doesn’t break me and give me some long lasting damage but make me a better being.

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20 hours ago, JJayy said:

 

That’s a fantasy of mine at times. Ditching and plunging into the unknown. However, as a parent I can’t do this at the moment. In the past this had saved me and I was able to start from fresh. And perhaps, it will liberate me from heaviness I’ve been carrying for awhile. But I just can’t ditch my responsibility as a parent. So I’m trying to work around it. Trying to angle it as an opportunity rather than an obstacle. I don’t know. I just hope this doesn’t break me and give me some long lasting damage but make me a better being.

Yeah, I understand that completely. My daughter is 24 but I'm still around for her all of the time. She can't drive so I'm a full-time chauffeur. She just got accepted into grad school so I"ll have to stick it out for awhile longer...Yikes.

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