I don’t know.
I see this year to be no breeze. I want to look at it as opportunity. Put a meaning to it, so I don’t perceive it as all negative.
I get constantly knocked down. Sometimes pretty hard.
Maybe this is a phase I must go through that will reveal all the suffering, pain, vulnerability, insecurity, fear, and weakness, that I never really dealt with but covered them up with superficialility.
So it can be the big opportunity to finally face it.
But I kept on running away just to survive and paste myself with secondary trivialities. But it’s just putting a bandage to a deeper wound. Sooner or later it was meant to collapse and spill out barely healed wounds that’s been covered up for decades.
I carry a lot of pain inside.
I don’t want to pretend to myself anymore and put up a facade to deny this deep wound and my inadequacy.
I don’t know. I’m not good at this.
I wanna see this as an opportunity though.
Maybe it’s just my another attempt to survive and not get crushed.
Am I doing the right thing? I don’t know.
I just hope this won’t break me but make me.
How am I going to do this? Am I on the right path?
to be honest, I really don’t know. I don’t know anything.
I can only wish...