Feelings change, and are rarely predictable.
I thought I might be at that illusionary finish line; having accomplished everything I set out for so long ago. I felt really good. Then the weight of the world comes pouring into my soul.
I'm not feeling all that good right now.
The problem is that I've pretty close to done everything that I thought might make me happy. And yeah, it's not that simple. Happiness isn't that tangible, but I thought I could nudge things in the right direction. If I created a positive environment, I might have more happy days.
Then why do I feel like this.
I thought also that maybe the reason I hated myself so much, and doubted myself so much, and thought everyone else saw the same horrible creature that I see when I look at me; maybe the reason for all of that was because I wasn't sure if I was a good person. I've been pushing at that for a long time though. I think I've always been a good person, but a growing one too. But in the past year, I've worked hard and made many sacrifices to help many others. I've made very tangible differences in peoples lives.
Yet I am still certain that I am a horrible human being. A disgusting piece of filth of society.
I don't want to be around people at all. I just want to shut the world off. But then I'm stuck with me, and that's undeniably worse.
I've got this thought, and I've had this thought for a while now, that I'm very much nearing 30. Which doesn't bother me, but it is nonetheless a milestone. What I'm doing professionally at the moment could easily be a masterpiece, the centrepiece of all my work. One last great thing that I created, that can't be replicated, and no one else could have done. I've been thinking this for quite a while. It'd be really tempting to just get things done, and say I gave this life a shot for 30 years, and now I'm done. Finito.
But that's not what's going to happen.
I'm not done, and I know it. There is a beautiful world that I imagine in my mind. It never goes away; it just feels more distant sometimes.
There is a way to make it real. There is always a way.
I've been fighting this fight externally. I didn't want to focus inside; not because I was scared. I've done this before; there's no demon in my mind great enough to be worth worrying about. But I've been scared of losing the time. Say I meditate, then I'm literally doing nothing. I haven't been that still in a long time, and I've got things to do. But it's better than checking out early I guess.
So let's change this fight.
We'll keep working towards a better day, the same way I have been. Grinding out one more positive step at a time.
But now it's time to take this fight inside as well. Funny how rarely the answers are external.