Now that you know
That something's not right
Look at it carefully
In pale logic light
Don't be sorry
If you can't recognize
The errors and faults
In such a perfect disguise
Only illogics can find hidden flaws in a straight logic line
Only erratics recognize errors in patterns of a perfect design
- Erratic Patterns by Carbon Based Lifeforms
Usual pre-infusion protocol. Music playlist a mix of ambient and songs with lyrics in a language I don't understand.
About 10 minutes into infusion, I noticed the anesthetic effects – nausea and numbness – were stronger this time than the previous infusions which I attributed to the increased dosage. Once again I felt anxious and wondered how strong these sensations would get,. What to do with these anxious feelings? I never found that trying to ignore or bury anxiety was effective in dealing with it. Better to find a way in which to acknowledge it, allow it to be present and express itself but not dwell on it. I discovered a bit of mental imagery that helped me. I pictured the nurse standing at a control panel, her hand on a dial that's meant to increase or decrease dosage of the drug. She looks to me and asks, “Are you OK, is it too much?” I reply, “Unpleasant but tolerable. Continue. Give me more.” Unpleasant but tolerable becomes a sort of self-soothing mantra as the effects of the Ketamine envelope me; it acknowledges feelings without overstating them.
Sensation of Motion
About 15 minutes into the infusion I felt weightless and floating and following that, a sensation of horizontal and vertical movement. I peeked through the seam of the sleep mask to verify that my body wasn't moving but my inner ears and brain reported motion nonetheless. Reclining in the chair as I was with both feet raised, an image of laying on a pedestal or platter came to mind accompanied by a strange feeling of being “presented” to something. I felt a bit vulnerable and exposed but aided by some uplifting music, this became sort of joyful.
Dissociative Experience – Celestial Postman
For a moment I'm in that strange, in-between state of semi-consciousness where nothing exists. Then I'm outside my body, looking at my face through a small window of a rocket ship. In the same manner in which we give context to what's happening in our dreams, I knew that my destination was the heavens and that I was a sort of celestial postman, delivering messages written to God from people all over the planet – even personal messages from my attending doctor and nurse. I felt pleased, excited and a bit honored to have this mission. Looking back at it now, I wonder if how I felt is similar to how people who experience grandiose delusions must feel, it was very convincing.
The rocket launch was convincing as well. I felt the motion in my lower body and saw amazing displays of speed and light before reaching space.
In orbit around the planet was a long, carved wooden statue roughly in the shape of a person like you might see in a museum or upon a totem pole. I delivered the “mail” and wondered what it might be like to be a wooden god floating in space. An entity inside the statue replied that I'm welcome to try it for a bit - which I do, but hang on. Where would this entity go if I'm inside? The causal reply was, “I think I'll try being you for a while.” The irony wasn't lost on me.
Once inside the god statue, I lost sense of self in the experience of being connected to all lifeforms on the planet below. If you have ever had what you'd call a spiritual experience, this felt very similar. I don't remember much of what I did or felt in this state. One thing I recall vividly is feeling all the fear that exists in every living thing - all the kinds of fear that there is and the yearning to be free of it. I also felt the pressure of a billion people wanting me to be this and to do that for them and the strain of it all was almost unbearable. One consoling bit of knowledge was that I could leave anytime – but I could also stay there. Permanently. Deep within me I searched for what that might mean and came upon a threshold which, in order to cross, would require a very big and permanent transformation. I choose to leave the statue and just enjoy the feeling of a non-corporeal me floating in space.