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Mehhhmorable

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Tearz

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So today I'm pretty sad. Was much more at peace yesterday than today. I am writing this blog from in front of an Al-Anon meeting place, the meeting is supposed to start in an hour. I came to the same meeting place last night and nobody showed up. Today I called to confirm time and place, they told me it was a fluke and to try again. There were about 75 people in the AA meeting next door, so where were all those peoples' peoples? Anyway, talked to my mommy and went home. I'll try it one more night.

It's depressing to sit here and listen to people on the restaurant patios having fun. Their laughter sounds like icicles hitting my heart. Heehee, you have no friends, haha, you'll never have this much fun, hoho, your lonely little life is pathetic, hahaha. My conscious mind knows they aren't laughing at me, but my troubled soul knows no difference. 

Almost had a fullblown panic attack at work today. Although I managed to continue working despite teetering along the faultline, I still feel like it will happen at some point in the very near future.

I do have a three-day weekend to "look forward to." Hell, at least I have it. I'd like to think I'll accomplish some cleaning and begin restoring my chaotic home back to some semblance of normal. No telling whether I will get closer to that goal or cry for the next three days. 

I think I will have to seriously consider the pharm route. At the rate I'm emotionally declining, I feel a stroke or cardiac arrest is inevitable before Christmas. Some days those types of outcomes are all I pray for. 

 

 

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