The first initial of my real name is R. It definitely stands for Regret. I have decades-worth of regret piled up inside my mind.
It's time for some more self-flagellation:
I can trace part of the "break up" with my girlfriend to one specific incident. I was with my daughter at a bookstore one morning and my cellphone rang. It was my girlfriend. I quick ran outside to talk with my GF. I don't like talking on my phone in public much anyway. Be that as it may, my GF asked where I was. I told her that I had ducked outside to chat on the phone. She asked if my daughter was with me. I told her that she was inside the bookstore. Then...long silence. We resumed our conversation but it was very strained. At the end, I told her that I loved her and we hung up.
I got the distinct impression that my GF thought I was hiding our relationship. Well, she was right in a way. I felt weird talking with her around my daughter (who was still living with her mom). This was almost 2 years after the divorce so I should have been more open about the relationship. But I was having one helluva time changing my mindset after 30 years of marriage.
The relationship between my GF and me ended not too long after that. I simply never heard from her again, even though I tried to get in contact with her via phone, text and email. Almost two years later, I still feel sharp pangs of loss and regret.
Just one more "coulda woulda shoulda" issue from my past.