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R Stands for Regret

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JD4010

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The first initial of my real name is R. It definitely stands for Regret. I have decades-worth of regret piled up inside my mind.

It's time for some more self-flagellation:

I can trace part of the "break up" with my girlfriend to one specific incident. I was with my daughter at a bookstore one morning and my cellphone rang. It was my girlfriend. I quick ran outside to talk with my GF. I don't like talking on my phone in public much anyway. Be that as it may, my GF asked where I was. I told her that I had ducked outside to chat on the phone. She asked if my daughter was with me. I told her that she was inside the bookstore. Then...long silence. We resumed our conversation but it was very strained. At the end, I told her that I loved her and we hung up.

I got the distinct impression that my GF thought I was hiding our relationship. Well, she was right in a way. I felt weird talking with her around my daughter (who was still living with her mom). This was almost 2 years after the divorce so I should have been more open about the relationship. But I was having one helluva time changing my mindset after 30 years of marriage.

The relationship between my GF and me ended not too long after that. I simply never heard from her again, even though I tried to get in contact with her via phone, text and email. Almost two years later, I still feel sharp pangs of loss and regret.

Just one more "coulda woulda shoulda" issue from my past.

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It's what I'd do JD, go outside to converse on the cell, especially in a book store, and I wouldn't invite my daughter or anyone else to accompany outside to listen to the conversation. 

I wish I had a pill for you buddy, or some wise words that would help.  I think you've watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

It sounds like you need erasure, more that closure; same for me on some snippets of memories. 

Keep on Truckin',  Bulgakov

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8 minutes ago, Bulgakov said:

It's what I'd do JD, go outside to converse on the cell, especially in a book store, and I wouldn't invite my daughter or anyone else to accompany outside to listen to the conversation. 

I wish I had a pill for you buddy, or some wise words that would help.  I think you've watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

It sounds like you need erasure, more that closure; same for me on some snippets of memories. 

Keep on Truckin',  Bulgakov

Thanks my friend.

Yeah, I never did get closure on this relationship. It just ended. Not with a bang or even a whimper. It just stopped without my awareness until afterwards.

Erasure would be fantastic. That's probably why I drank so much until April 2018. I didn't want to remember or think.

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I get why she might feel hurt about you keeping your relationships separated but I've done similar with my partners and family members when I wasn't ready to be bombarded with questions I didn't yet have answers for. 

Should you take responsibility for her feelings? I'm not so sure. My thoughts on this are partly influenced by a podcast I listened to just this afternoon. Why do we think our partners should bear the responsibility for our own difficult emotions? "You caused me to feel this way" suggests that "me" has no ability to regulate their emotions and this shouldn't be assumed.

Nor should it be assumed that any difficulty in a relationship must be one or the other's fault. Seems to me that many difficulties are caused when neither can accept the other for who they are.

And finally, in this story @JD4010 ran outside to take the phone call even though he doesn't like talking on the phone in public (sorry for the 3rd person language). Could she have held that image in mind so as to enjoy the following warmer emotions: validation, specialness, how my man dropped everything he was doing when I randomly rang him up?

If viewed like that, it seems like a choice to focus on the one behavior that made her feel bad. 

I'm on team JD but I won't take the whip in hand or chain hands to pillars because it's not always your fault. 

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@Atra I just don't know. Thanks for the response. I just wish I knew if she's OK. At the time, she was feeling suicidal. She had an ongoing illness that was wearing her down. I wish I could have done more for her. I wanted to be with her of course...but we could never quite make it work. What a sad deal.

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On 2/11/2019 at 4:32 PM, Atra said:

I wish she would've treated you better my friend. 

I wish I had treated her better too. Her life has been a literal hell. She's been through more horrendous shit than anyone else I've ever known. Her life would make for a shocking movie.

 

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