I will have you know that blathering on here is part of what finally got me up and around - well, after I took my shower. It took me just over twenty minutes of first moving out to the sofa, then laying there on the sofa convincing myself I wanted to take a shower. Should have taken one yesterday like a good little civilized human being, but that's another blog post. So I'm laying there trying to convince myself not to wait until this evening, which is code for 'it will not happen today'. I kept trying to remind myself I would feel refreshed and clean, but it really didn't have very much selling power. I reminded myself I could not shower tomorrow morning, because I have to be off to the Big City for an all day workshop - that means I'll have to leave by 700, and I'm usually not even fully conscious at 700, much less dressed and ready to go. At least it means I won't be 'in the office' tomorrow. Sort of a modified three day vacay, sort of. Hey, I take the breaks where I can get 'em.
Anyway, I think I'm improving a little bit - usually it takes at least 45 minutes to an hour of convincing myself, falling asleep, convincing myself.... just to get out of bed and go lay down on the sofa. By the time I get out to the sofa, I tell myself I could write a blog post or check DF, and that is what gets me up and around. I have to do it by degrees. When I was a lot younger, I used to get up and shower and style my hair and do all my makeup - full nine yards, as they say - every. single. day. I marvel now that I was able to do that - that at the time I considered it a bare minimum for stepping out the door for any reason. Then I had kids, LOL. They teach you how to be casual about things like that. Like the meme says - 'motherhood is always with you, usually in the form of something gross stuck to your clothing.' LOL. 'Struth!
So on another subject that I'm sure is just as riveting as my shower struggles - hey, the struggle is real though, when you're depressed. Showers on a regular basis are frequently grounds for legit celebration. You have to work hard to keep those nasty defeating negative thoughts out, though. There will usually be some small voice inside that tells you that everyone showers regularly and that you are a loser for struggling with it. You just have to remind yourself that a)those people don't usually wake up wanting to blow the top of their head off and b) you decided to stick around for one more day instead of blowing the top of said head off and c) you accomplished something besides breathing and being here, top of your head intact. You really have to focus on the positive side, and it can take some real work to keep those negative thoughts from pushing their way in. Be persistent, though, and it will make a difference.
Persistence is key. Your mind will naturally 'gravitate' to the negative. You will have to work hard to overcome that - this is why persistence is key. Because you have to keep up with it even though you won't necessarily see any 'difference' for a while. And it might take some effort to even recognize those differences. Again, depression makes your mind naturally gravitate to the negative. And it also seems to 'wash out' any positives in your life - it's hard to explain to people that you are not 'ignoring' those positive things, but that for you they literally do. not. exist. Like a filter that washes out everything of a certain color in your environment - those things are technically still there, but they are invisible to you. At that point you have to kind of take those positives on faith and again - be persistent about it.
I like Captain Harlock because I can really identify with him.... He actually fucks things up quite a bit; but he doesn't give up, he persists....
I also like this quote using a fanart image based on Blue Exorcist - the old man was a mentor and father figure - and I love the quote....
Sometimes you just have to decide to 'continue living', and the motivation will come later. Deciding to keep living can be so monumentally difficult, dear ones. It can be the single hardest decision you ever make - and sometimes you have to make that decision every. single. day. If you persist, and just keep moving in one way or another - and sometimes just choosing to be here is a form of 'moving' -then eventually you will be able to conceive of motivation. And conceiving - absorbing, accepting - the concept of motivation can be just as monumentally difficult as deciding to continue.
Don't be afraid to take it in stages, dear ones.
You don't have to make that entire leap in one go.
Take one step at a time.
One stage at a time.