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Tell no one

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January 22

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This needs to end. 

I mean this situation that is going on with me. This depression. I need an ending. I can't go on like this. My family can't go on like this. 

A school nurse called me today to pick up my kid in the middle of the school day. She wasn't feeling allright. Two hours later her teacher emailed me about her recent mood swings. She is seven years old. She should be happy and carefree. The teacher wrote that my kid fights with her friends, refuses to participate, is either apathetic or overly enthusiastic and happy. 

Sounds a bit too familiar... 

She is reacting to my situation. I will talk with her later and email to her teacher but talking won't resolve this. I need to get better. I need to get off the bed. I need to be me and not a slave to my illness. 

I am counting hours to a doctor's appointment. It's on Friday. I've been struggling and waiting for weeks. I need that ECT. It's the only treatment that has an immediate effect. Medication is important too but I need results now. 

I've already taken blood tests and EKG. Everything was okay so no physical obstacles for ECT. It's now up to my psychiatrist. I need to convince her I need that ECT. My family needs that ECT. 

I recieved ECT ten times on December. It helped a great deal. It helped with depression and anxiety and even took away hypomanic symptoms. I felt so much better during the treatment and a week after.

I know the results won't last long. Depression came back as soon as ECT ended. Now, weeks after, anxiety and delusions are coming back. I've also had few hypomanic days. So I know it won't help long but I need couple of good weeks to get started with recovery process. 

My sick leave is also coming to and end. I thought of asking three more months. That should cover recovery unless I can't fight off depression or will face a manic or mixed episode.

I put all my hope in ECT. If I won't get the treatment, I don't know what to do. 

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Tomorrow... The weeks I've been waiting for this have been horrible and felt so long. I am freaking out now... what if I won't get the treatment I am wishing for and see as the only way out? How will I survive this? 

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