My life is ugly. Cooking a dinner was my only achievement today. That was too almost an impossible task. Just like getting off a bed. I sat there on a stool in front of a stove because I was simply too weak to stand.
While I sat there and waited the dinner cooking I explored a fridge door. Lots of hideous souvenir magnets: New York, Barcelona, Washington DC, London, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Alanya and a Cruise liner to Stockholm. Most of them feel like forever ago and most of them are. Was that really my life back then? How different things are now.
The hideous souvenir magnets are holding lot of papers. The papers of my chaotic life. My life truly is in chaos right now. Three schedules of all my kids, some dental papers, kids' appointments, an old family photo and some coupons. All my life there pinned on the fridge door, past and now. Happy moments and chaos.
I stir my cooking and study my left palm. I find some deep lines. I remember they all have a name but the only one I can recall is Life Line. I'm not sure which one is the Life Line. Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? I grasp a knife from a dishwasher. The knife is shiny and quite new. Also sharp. I've hold a knife before like this. Wanting and thirsting. I press the tip of the knife on my left palm and make a cut, a new Life Line. There is so little life in me righ now, I need another Life Line. I don't actually believe in that sh*t. I just wanted to feel a steel blade cut my skin. Simply as that.
I watch the blood. It's magnetic. The cut is more like a scratch. It won't leave a scar. It will heal quickly like it never was there. The kids are behind a wall in a living room. My husband is behind other wall in a shower. I sit on the stool in a messy kitchen string the food and looking at my new Life Line. Nothing moves inside me. I don't feel. This is my life today.