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Misha-ing.....

20YearsandCounting

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I guess I don't understand the potentially negative nature of obsession very well.  I feel like I am sometimes 'inordinately preoccupied' with Misha Collins, and sometimes Karl Urban.  But mostly Misha.  When I am overly preoccupied with him, it is generally because I have 'trained' my anxiety to focus on something relatively harmless in comparison to what it wants to obsess over - my mistakes, ad nauseum & quia in aeturnum, amen.  😑 (that last is latin for 'for forever'). 

I suppose for some people, there is great difficulty in focusing on anything that is not their 'Misha', and for some, that can be a profoundly negative experience.

I just know that thinking about Misha or Karl is vastly and inestimably preferable to having all my 'manifold sins and wickedness' (read mistakes) play on eternal repeat in my head.

Do you like how I've swallowed a thesaurus here?  I must be somewhat more discomfited than I thought, because that's what happens when I get flustered, LOL.  The words get longer.  On the page it's somewhat artificial, but not by much.  On the page I have time to think, but I still pretty much write whatever comes into my head at the time. Sort of modified stream of consciousness writing.  (stream of consciousness, ie James Joyce' Ulysses, a headache I have yet to tackle). 

And funnily enough, I have yet to get back to watching Supernatural.  I am far too connected to Castiel to watch someone else play around with his life. (read: have the writers torture me).  I haven't watched since before Christmas. I don't understand how I can do that.  Obsess over an actor but not watch the show he's primarily known for and my favorite character.  I don't even want to meet him, TBH.

Interacting with people IRL is one of my phobias - actual phobia.  As in, avoiding unnecessary interactions interferes with my life.  I don't socialize outside of my family. Period.  I work in a library, which I feel is as quiet as you can get in a 'service industry' job.  I would far prefer a factory job, but those are not available right now, and I cannot jeopardize my job.  It taxes me to a degree I cannot explain to have to 'people' every day.  Like that Castiel meme where he is talking about how whatever he's about to do will apparently require 'interacting with people' and his 'people skills are a little rusty'.  I avoid grocery store trips whenever possible, and generally even then do not get out without taking Hubby with me at least 80% of the time. 

CastielCantPeople.jpg.2b6132b853d2d0a0cf6cd1218b5a049e.jpg

It's called 'anthropophobia' and the medical definition is a 'pathological fear of people or human companionship'.  I am convinced that being forced to interact relatively deeply with co-workers that I would not choose to interact with ordinarily on a daily basis exacerbates my tendency to feel disconnected from myself, my emotions, and my family.  It is not something that 'gets easier' with exposure.  Interacting with patrons does not bother me nearly as much, because there are certain 'rules' that govern those interactions.  When patrons do not act in a way that is consistent with those 'rules', I am prone to anxiety attacks.  We have a semi-regular visitor who I believe is possibly schizoid, and his behavior is generally somewhat erratic, though never violent (so far).  I generally end up having a low level anxiety attack when he comes in, because his behavior does not conform to the typical 'rules' that govern patron-employee interactions. I also find myself profoundly at sea and profoundly confused about what to do or when to step in when he interacts with other patrons.

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So actually meeting Misha Collins would be more along the lines of a 'waking nightmare' than a 'dream come true'.  But that would be true even of my favorite authors. Even meeting some of you DFers intimidates me.   It takes a relative sh*t-ton of courage for me to even reach out via email to one of you. Skyping visually is utterly out of the question still, but I am getting used to regular text-like interactions with some staff members I work with.  I still cannot even think about chat either, because the 'real time' interaction level is waaay too much like face to face convos.  And you guys are by and large unfailingly encouraging, so I know it's not you - it's my phobia, utterly and completely.  Interacting online or via text feels more 'real' to me than face to face interactions.  I guess that should be no surprise, considering that I generally feel so 'disconnected' during those interactions. 

I really need to get into therapy for it, though.  Not to get rid of it necessarily, but to help me find ways to cope.  That sense of disconnect is so profound and so consistent through my entire life that I feel like it is more an expression of my personality than a type of faulty coping mechanism, does that make sense?  There isn't any 'traumatic event' to 'cause' this - this sense of disconnect goes back to before I have conscious memories, and is reflected in what my parents have recounted to me of my behavior.

Wow, apparently this is a 'thing' for me - didn't realize I natter on and on about it, LOL.  Here's Misha.....

        CastielDepressedBobbyNoticed.thumb.jpg.a23b4a9e2ceae6fea52e962cdb6869bb.jpg            BloodyCas.gif.b36f2c2172d977bfef90b00f6ba5a96f.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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@20YearsandCounting I absolutely love your blog. I appreciate good writing--of which you are a master. There are times when I can write somewhat well but I'm certainly not consistent with it.  It's agonizing for me.

I see Bobby in one of the pics above. He's my favorite character from Supernatural. He reminds me so much of my stepfather, who was a big-hearted redneck that taught me so much about living.

I don't do much interacting IRL either. I'm not sure if it's a phobia or if I'm just disgusted with humans in general. Actually, I'm much more likely to strike up a conversation with someone who is "down and out" than I am with Mr. or Ms Successful. I suppose it has to do with my own insecurities.

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:blush21:  Thank you...  You are too kind.... Does wonders for my self esteem...

Bobby is one of my favorite characters, too.  He reminds me in many ways of my hubby, except for his propensity for being bearded... If they ever put Bobby in a do-rag and riding vest, I'd probably swoon secretly....

Heartening somewhat, to hear that I am not the only one who has difficulty interacting with people face to face.  Many of you DFers probably would not recognize me 'out there', even if I was brave enough to post a profile pic.  I admire those of us who can do that.... It's too much like face to face for me to be comfortable with...

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